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Restaurant Critic Roundup: Dishes Are 'Jokes Without Punch Lines' at Washington, DC Restaurant Suna

Restaurant Critic Roundup: Dishes Are 'Jokes Without Punch Lines' at Washington, DC Restaurant Suna


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Every week, The Daily Meal rounds up restaurant reviews across America

As always, the ratings range from stars to bells to beans, but every review offers specialized insight into the food, atmosphere, and service of eateries in each city’s dining scene and the critics eating at them.

This week near San Francisco, critic Michael Bauer takes a trip to Duende in Oakland, Calif., where "it's so dark at night you practically need a flashlight to read the cocktail menu." The paella, however, was "excellent."

In Washington, D.C., critic Tom Sietsema rates restaurant Suna with half a star. "On the surface," he says, Suna "pushes all the right food nerd buttons." But in reality, the "dishes, it turns out, are jokes without punch lines."

In New York, restaurant Chez Sardine gets scrutinized by critic Pete Wells, and with metaphors to "Asian stoner food" and "fat-on-fat" cuisine, we know this restaurant is in for a bumpy ride.

From the East Coast to the West Coast, from North to South, the weekly restaurant critic roundup is here for all of your dining out needs.

Restaurant Critic Roundup: 3/20/2013


CriticPublicationRestaurantRating
Ryan SuttonBloombergGaonnuri1 star
Pete WellsNew York TimesChez Sardine1 star
Michael KaminerNew York Daily NewsMoti Mahal Delux3 stars
Michael BauerSan Francisco ChronicleDuende4 bells
Brad A. JohnsonOrange County RegisterArc3 stars
Tom SietsemaWashington PostSuna0.5 stars
William PorterDenver PostJezebel's Southern Bistro2 stars
Robert MossCharleston City PaperThe Green Door

Tyler Sullivan is The Daily Meal's assistant editor. Follow her on Twitter at @atylersullivan.


It's time: for feasts, toasts and reflection, a moment to take stock of the year that's almost behind us and look to what's ahead.

The holidays are upon us — and so are a trove of wonderful new books. These titles will thrill any reader on your list: cookbooks to inspire and guide, photography books to please the eye. Travel and nature writing to transport you to faraway places, and sports books — not just for super fans! — that weave tales of heartbreak and victory. All this and more books to give and books to keep for yourself in this year's holiday round-ups.


October 16, 2006

Finally!

After almost 4 days of no phone, no lights, no luxury. it was as primitive as could be. wait a sec, I had phone, just no dial up access. That and the battery on the laptop could only last so long.

OK. For those who don't know what I'm talking about (which is probably everyone) I live just outside of Buffalo, NY. And late Thursday night it started snowing. Now this is something that normally doesn't happen in early October, not even Buffalo. No matter what you were always told. And sometime during the night, everything lined up for a perfect storm. A perfect Lake Effect Snow Storm, to be exact.

There was cold air moving across the warm waters of Lake Erie. and the wind lined up for the entire length of the lake. If you look at a map of the Northeast, Lake Erie is an oblongish oval that points right at Buffalo. What this meant was that the cold air had the whole lake to draw moisture from. And boy did it!

So, late Thursday and early Friday, the snow started to fall thick and heavy. We're talking snow with the consistency of. well, it was kind of like the snow cone you get at the fair. And it was falling from the sky.

Now normally, this wouldn't have been such a big thing. We've handled multiple feet of snow falling overnight many a time. Just. we've never had it so early in the season. Well, actually this early in the wrong season. And that meant there was one thing different that we weren't used to.

All the leaves were still on all the trees. Now for a pine tree, no problem. They're shaped such that they can handle heavy snowfall on their branches. But Buffalo is a city of oaks and maples and elms. Lots and lots of them. In fact, just about every street in the county is lined with those glorious, beautiful trees. At least they were.

The heavy, unprecedented snow stuck to all the big, broad leaves on the trees that are literally everywhere. Far more snow than would have stuck to the bare branches later in the season. And far, far more than the branches could bear.

So, with sounds reminiscent of gunfire, down came the branches. And since these were no little saplings, on the way down, the branches took many - if not most - of the power lines in the area with them.

Thus, Friday morning - Friday the 13th, rather appropriately - dawned white, cold, and powerless.

Which meant I had a long, cold weekend. still got to work though. I'm the only one who knows all of the prices for our store stuff in my head. So I spent all the daylight hours at work, taking cash transactions only (credit card systems don't work without power either. ) and making change in my head.


Staff Picks 2020

Fiction

Cherry Beach by Laura McPhee-Browne

Perfect. As though Sarah Winman and Sally Rooney got together and wrote a book just for me. A beautifully written coming of age novel about two young Aussies starting afresh in Canada. I laughed, I cried, it satisfied needs I didn&rsquot know I had. 5 stars are not enough!

Picked by Erin PH (Library Staff)

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

I read this book in less than a day! I stayed up to 11pm because I did not want to go to bed not knowing how it ended.

Kya is a vivid and original main character who is a fictional David Attenborough of the swamplands. I love that she learns from her wild surroundings and is self-sufficient from the land. She uses her skills to make money and turns her inquisitiveness of nature into a successful writing career as a published author, an amazing accomplishment for a girl that was left to completely educate herself. It's an emotional storyline of solitude, racial and social division, ecology, murder and love.

Picked by Lauren S (Library Staff)

The Wife and the Widow by Christian White

I loved this book so much that I just want to immediately read it again so I can look out for all the clues I unwittingly missed the first time round.

There&rsquos not a wasted word. The language is tight, carrying just the right level of detail to briefly sketch out the scene and the characters and nothing more - a perfect narrative voice for this type of book. But what sucked me in and wouldn&rsquot let me go was the pacing - the gradual unraveling of the plot, pulling me in tighter and tighter as the twin storylines slowly converge into one sucker punch of an ending.

Picked by Patra (Library Staff)

Step-by-step with Marley Spoon: top 100 rated recipes from the meal-kit experts by Olivia Andrews

Top 100 recipes from the meal kit delivery company Marley Spoon. If you are looking to expand your weeknight meal repertoire, these simple, easy to follow recipes will add flavour and variety. The chef in my household was stuck in a bit of a cooking rut until this book came along.

Picked by Brigid (Library Staff)

Mark and Shark: Detectiving and Stuff by Olivia Andrews

Two friends set up their own agency - Mark does the detectiving and Shark does the stuff. When a polar bear asks them for help with her ice cream business they encounter a cranky penguin, a downcast horse, and a gang made up of a washing machine, a pygmy hippo, a forklift, and a vacuum cleaner. Can the mysterious unicorn save them? Will Shark ever eat enough ice-cream? I laughed and laughed, and the illustrations were perfection.

Picked by Lauren C (Library Staff)

All Our Shimmering Skies by Trent Dalton

The first thing that attracted me to this book was its fantastic cover art but what is inside the book is just as magical. All Our Shimmering Skies was a joy to read and the pages turned effortlessly. I felt totally swept away into the Northern Territory with the characters. This was a truly wonderful and beautifully written book.

Picked by Sarah-Jane (Library Staff)

Olive, Again by Elizabeth Strout

The prickly but loveable Olive Kitteridge is one of my favourite characters and it was wonderful to be reunited with her as she grows old in the town of Cosby, Maine. Elizabeth Strout is such a brilliant writer she makes the everyday, small town stories of Olive and those around her so rich and honest. I reread this book almost immediately.

Picked by Janet DB (Library Staff)

Liberation by Imogen Kealey

This is a must read based on the true story of Nancy Wake (aka The White Mouse). She was a fearless and ruthless leader who earned the respect, sometimes grudgingly, of the troops. She was a spy, a wife, a leader and a thorn in the side of the Nazis. It is a riveting historical read that is at times nail biting. It is one that celebrates the achievements of an amazing woman.

Picked by Elizabeth MO (Library Staff)

Blacktop Wasteland by S.A. Cosby

This was a really thrilling page turner that I read straight through.

Set in Southern USA, Bug Montage is a skilled wheelman who tries to turn his life away from stealing cars and getaway driving and a family man running a car repair shop.

Deteriorating financial circumstances draw him in for one final job. This book features one of the best car chase scenes I have ever read, so cinematic that it will be a crime if someone doesn't make this into a movie soon. Perfect summer reading.

Picked by Lauren (Library Staff)

The Guest List by Lucy Foley

My new favourite author Lucy Foley released her third book this year called The Guest List and it is an easy to read, totally devourable murder/thriller set on a remote island. It's fast paced and keeps you guessing both the victim and murderer with a couple of plot twists thrown in too.

Anything set on a remote island with a bunch of suspects is right up my alley - thank you Agatha Christie for instilling that in me! Recommend for a "light murder" fan.

Picked by Jamie (Library Staff)

Chasing the Light: how I fought my way into Hollywood, from the 1960s to Platoon by Oliver Stone

The first autobiography from Oliver Stone &ndash Hollywood&rsquos most provocative, outspoken and controversial writer/director &ndash is thankfully exactly what you would expect, pulling no punches and sparing nobody. Stone is scathing not just of the film industry, but of his own inadequacies as a human being, as he guides the reader on a strange tour through the earlier years of his life, taking in his unconventional childhood, a number of fractious relationships, the pain and confusion of his voluntary service through The Vietnam War, and the crazed production of his first movies up until his major breakthrough with the Oscar winning Platoon. An absorbing, amusing must-read for anyone with an interest in movies and how they are made.

Picked by Erin F (Library Staff)

Weather by Jennifer Offill

Weather by Jennifer Offill, a book that could possibly fit into your pocket, was my book of the year and not just because the main character was a librarian. I found it easy to read as it's written almost like a diary, filled with paragraphs about family, climate anxiety, religion, knee problems and other witty observations from the modern life. I recommend it to anyone who is too busy to follow a tight plot but would like to read something light but also thought provoking.

Picked by Elo (Library Staff)


As coronavirus infection rates are rising and the death toll is climbing to horrific heights every day, millions of people are facing eviction, hunger, poverty, and illness. Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) seems completely unbothered by the widespread misery engulfing the country. After agreeing to a COVID relief package in March at the beginning of the public health crisis, which included $1,200 stimulus checks for more than 127 million people, and $600 a week unemployment insurance for the people out of work, nine months into the pandemic, the Republican senator from Kentucky spent months resisting passing any more aid. A few points of contention existed with several items in the various bills—one gnarly issue was that the Dems wanted funds to go to states and cities while the Republicans viewed local aid as bailouts for liberal enclaves—but McConnell and his party’s recalcitrance boiled down to much more than a few dollar signs.

The majority leader had bigger interests to protect: namely making sure that corporations would have liability shields over coronavirus lawsuits. Not only would McConnell’s wealthy friends and funders not face repercussions for failing to keep workers safe, the Senate’s inability to pass a bill meant that the Biden administration would have an even more difficult job in trying to fix the economy. Then, McConnell could argue, since the economy is in such bad shape, the government couldn’t afford to spend money to help the public. Win, win—if you’re a Republican senator.

When another coronavirus aid package finally passed three days before Christmas, it was nine months into the crisis and didn’t even come close to what the public actually needs. And since it’s worth keeping score, six Republican Senators voted against it.

The Republicans’ refusal to act on a meaningful coronavirus relief package is part of their larger pattern of either ignoring or trampling on the common good. Whether it’s trying to dismantle the Affordable Care Act or passing tax cuts that disproportionately favor the wealthy, this year has revealed that not only are their priorities backwards, many of them seem perfectly fine with untold economic ruin, unimaginable human suffering, and the systematic undermining of democratic institutions. And while the GOP certainly doesn’t hold a monopoly on grotesque self-interest—though they seem determined to prove that they’re the best at it—as far as I’m concerned, the US Senate, especially Republicans in the so-called world’s greatest deliberative body, has been unique in displaying monstrous contempt for the common good.

And it’s not just coronavirus relief they made close to impossible. As the Black Lives Matter protest movement, a multiracial and generational demonstration that took root in cities, suburbs, and small towns, exploded earlier this year, some senators concluded that this era was the perfect time to open a new front in the battle against civil rights.

Exhibit A could be Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.), who wrote an incendiary and controversial op-ed for the New York Times entitled “Send In The Troops.” (After criticism from readers and NYT employees, an editors note was attached, the top Opinion’s editor was fired and another one was demoted.) Cotton argued that much like the military needed to force a high school in Little Rock, Arkansas, to integrate its schools, it also needed to quash protest movements. “One thing above all else will restore order to our streets: an overwhelming show of force to disperse, detain and ultimately deter lawbreakers,” Cotton wrote. “But local law enforcement in some cities desperately needs backup, while delusional politicians in other cities refuse to do what’s necessary to uphold the rule of law.”

Of course, in his rush to demand that the American military be deployed on American streets, he failed to mention that the troops were sent to his home state in 1957 because racist whites refused to let Black students inside. The military was sent to protect Black students.

But it was not just protesters demanding rights that drew Cotton’s ire this summer. He was also singularly obsessed with arguing against statehood and representation in Congress for Washington, DC. Cotton once posited that sure, the District may have a bigger population than Wyoming, but Wyoming was a “well-rounded, working-class state.” I’m sorry, could you repeat that Senator? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your racist bullhorn.

But despite the many controversies surrounding Trump and his administration—when he shut down the federal government over funding for a border wall, his years-long refusal to release his tax returns, or his incessant and incendiary tweets that would have had Republicans calling for Barack Obama’s resignation—the GOP Senators stood beside him, terrified of his sway over the conservative base. Instead of a system of checks and balances, the Senate was there to defend Trump and ignore his misdeeds while working to please corporate interests at the expense of everyone else.

Donald Trump’s absurd, long-shot and yet still terrifying attempt to reverse the outcome of the presidential election might not have gained so much traction without some friends in high places. Before the electoral college vote, the Washington Post only found 27 Republicans in Congress who would acknowledge that Biden had won the election. Sens. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) and Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) are the best examples of Republicans whose towers of convictions can be toppled by the gentle winds of political convenience. Remember, they were both once representatives of the NeverTrumpers, and had very good reasons for their positions. Cruz, still upset over Trump’s obscene insults to both his wife and father, pointedly refused to endorse Trump at the Republican National Convention in 2016. And Graham, still smarting from Trump’s publicizing his personal cell phone number, warned that if the GOP nominated Trump, they would get destroyed—and deserve it.

Ah, how times have changed. Over the last four years, both men seem to be fighting over the spout to see who can guzzle more Trump Kool-Aid. (Graham was the source of mockery in 2017 after tweeting about Trump’s spectacular golf game.) After Trump lost the presidential election by more than 6 million votes and 74 electoral college votes, they still couldn’t find their principles. Graham tried to get election officials in Georgia to toss out ballots, and Cruz agreed to help the president argue his baseless case in front of the Supreme Court, should the new conservative majority yield to the president’s demands and grant a hearing. Fortunately, despite Trump’s confidence that appointing three new justices during his term meant they would rollover like the Republican Party, the nine justices declined to hear the suit.

Though I’ve singled out a few individuals, the problem of the Senate won’t be solved by simply voting McConnell, Graham, and Cruz out of office—and people have tried! The entire institution is a dysfunctional mess. Because each state gets two senators regardless of size, and the two major parties have divided themselves along rural and urban lines, Republican Senators often only compete in smaller and less-populated states. As a result, in the incoming Congress (excluding the Georgia runoffs), the Democrats will represent at least 20 million more people than the Republicans. But if Republicans win at least one of the Senate seats in Georgia, they’ll have the ability to obstruct any part of the Biden agenda they don’t like—which is to say, all of it.

It’s been a deeply terrible year. The pandemic, the killings of Black people that sparked racial justice uprisings, climate disasters, and a slow-motion coup attempt—destined to fail, but designed to undermine democracy—have all combined to form sort of a rolling nightmare for the United States. In November, Donald Trump’s loss offered a moment of hope, but now that Biden has secured the electoral college vote and even McConnell managed to acknowledge Biden’s victory a mere five weeks after it happened, the threat of a Republican-led Senate looms large. Any short-term solutions, economic aid, or a competent pandemic response, are likely to be hampered by McConnell’s greed, partisan blindness, and utter disregard for the welfare of the American people. Any long-term solutions, fighting climate change or expanding healthcare access, would be dead-on-arrival. The GOP has already signaled that the party plans to obstruct the Biden administration any chance they get. As bad as 2020 has been, the Republicans in the Senate are poised to make 2021 just as bad—or, hard to imagine but it’s possible, even worse.


The 2020 Excellence in Features award winners—Division I

Featured

DIVISION 1 | Circulation up to 90,000

Finest in Features Sweepstakes awards

This award honors three publications in each circulation category that garner the most awards in the other 22 categories.
First place: The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier
Five awards, including five firsts (General Feature, Food Criticism, Feature Specialty Writing Portfolio, Food Writing Portfolio and Integrated Storytelling).
Second place: The Times-Picayune/The New Orleans Advocate/NOLA.com
Six awards, including one first (Niche Product), three seconds (Arts & Entertainment Feature, Feature Specialty Writing Portfolio and Sports Feature) and two thirds (Feature Specialty Writing Portfolio and Food Writing Portfolio).
Third place: The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette
Five awards, including one first (Diversity in Digital Features) and four seconds (Best Section, Features Digital Presence, Video Storytelling and Special Section).

Best section

The best regularly occurring printed features sections that focus on A&E, lifestyles or other features coverage.
First place: Austin American-Statesman
Judge’s comments: These sections stand out because of the eye-popping photos, strong writing and diversity reflecting the community. Plus, there’s so much to love. The Austin360 Dining Guide doesn’t just have one photo per restaurant listing. Several have three or four, giving the dinner guest visual stimulation to go with the tantalizing descriptions. The size makes it convenient to keep and take along later. Not only do you learn the main acts of the Austin City Limits Music Festival, but who’s playing outside of the festival if you want to avoid the crowds. You meet the Fajita King who first commercialized fajitas 50 years ago, and you visit a ranch for a Mexican style rodeo, where charros compete in a charreada.
Second place: The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette
Judge’s comments: The Colorado Springs Gazette feature sections introduce you to what you must see and do as well as everyday people doing special things. The presentation makes the stories and photos pop off the page and gives readers an easy way to consider what books to read and movies to see. You meet the 100-year-old granny rocking a 5-week-old in the Fort Carson nursery and an 11-year-old struggling to survive cancer. And who can’t relate to that slice of life problem of missing socks?
Third place: The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post
Judge’s comments: History dominates the pages of these sections of the Palm Beach Post as readers reflect on their summer of 󈨉. The Oscar issue takes a look back at native icon Veronica Lake and her lasting legacy. And readers are taken back to the Burt Reynolds Theater’s performances featuring Eartha Kitt and Carol Burnett. It’s all presented clean and crisp to draw readers in.

Best features digital presence

The best your publication has to offer in digital A&E, features and lifestyle coverage.
First place: Staff, Austin American-Statesman, austin360.com
Judge’s comments: Austin360 offers a thorough look at this city’s vibrant entertainment and food scene. It’s informative, easy to navigate and well written. Bonus points for COVID-19 coverage during the pandemic.
Second place: Staff, The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette, Out There Colorado
Judge’s comments: An authoritative look at the cool things to do in Colorado, this website is useful and fun. If you’re visiting Colorado, you’ll want to check out this site.

General feature

Feature treatment of any A&E, lifestyles or news topic.
First place: Tony Bartelme, Glenn Smith, Lauren Petracca—The Post and Courier (Charleston, S.C.), “Our Secret Delta: An epic story about power, beauty and how one of South Carolina’s last great places faces new threats”
Judge’s comments: The writing of Tony Bartelme and Glenn Smith, combined with the visuals of Lauren Petracca, create a masterclass in sense of place. Line after line—from the thwack of deerflies on skin at the outset to the twilit grass that puts the story to rest—is vibrant and tactile, in the way that can only be achieved when reporters spend ample time in the field and that serves the story only when they deeply research and care about the setting. Among this brilliant scenery, Bartelme and Smith adeptly weave the environmental, racial and economic histories of South Carolina’s Lowcountry into a tale that feels fluid but never superficial, serious but not cumbersome, and sweeping but deeply human.
Second place: Mark Patinkin—The Providence (Rhode Island) Journal, “Touched by Cancer
Judge’s comments: Mark Patinkin’s writing is accessible and unsparing. His personal portrayal of cancer devastates the reader while revealing abstract medical procedures as vivid and real. The reporting includes interviews with his own children and doctors, evidence of rigor and reflection that elevate this story—unlike any we’ve read before.
Third place: Katie Sullivan Borrelli, Anthony Borrelli—The Ithaca Journal (New York), “Light in the Dark: A beloved trans woman was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. Her story reveals a nationwide problem
Judge’s comments: This retelling of a life lost to domestic violence, compounded by the victim’s transgender identity, moves and informs the reader in a nuanced and respectful way that is worthy of praise. Writers Katie Sullivan Borrelli and Anthony Borrelli ensure that Josie Berrios does not simply become another statistic in a world full of violence against trans women. Her story serves to shed light on a national, complex issue that these writers handle with care.
Honorable mention: Marc Lester—Anchorage Daily News “A day in the life of a United States senator: Lisa Murkowski

Arts & Entertainment feature

Feature treatment of an arts andFeature treatment of an arts and entertainment topic–such as architecture, art, books, dance, movies, music, opera, television or theater.entertainment topic.
First place: Gillian Friedman—Deseret News, “Hallmark is making Hanukkah movies this year. I’m Jewish, and I’m not excited about it”
Judge’s comments: The Hallmark Channel Christmas movies are a cliche of the season, so we found Gillian Friedman’s take–as a Jewish viewer–to be refreshing. The personal column about two Hanukkah/Christmas movies was well-written and provided a thought-provoking cultural take.
Second place: Keith Spera—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com, “Dr. John achieved greatness only after getting sober with the help of a friend and manager”
Judge’s comments: Writer Keith Spera took the opportunity of a high-interest obit to tell the fascinating backstory of New Orleans legend Dr. John’s sober journey. This was well-written and with a wealth of detail and local color.
Third place: Jennifer Tormo—225 Magazine, “Life in the Fast Laine”
Judge’s comments: This profile of “American Idol” winner Laine Hardy was a pleasure to read. Nice storytelling, polished writing and good turns of phrase by Jennifer Tormo.
Honorable mention: Rachel Gallaher—Gray Magazine, “A Modern Medici”

Short feature

Tight, bright writing of fewer than 1,000 words.
First place: Amaris Castillo—The Lowell (Mass.) Sun, “With every step, joy”
Judge’s comments: This story is lovely, and we continue to be astonished by its dual nature: simple yet complex. It is the story of two people walking, but it is so much more. We learn about a lifetime of love and obstacles and heartache in a relatively short read. There is nothing sappy or cloying in this piece. It just is. It made my heart ache, and it made my heart soar. It’s a gift.
Second place: Leigh Hornbeck—(Albany, N.Y.) Times Union, “’Kissed by fire’: Local redheads meet ‘Game of Thrones’ author”
Judge’s comments:
How can any one not love a story that references Alan Moore and George R.R. Martin? We have a weakness for redheads and “Game of Thrones” (who doesn’t?) and were totally charmed by this story.
Third place: Riley Bienvenu—inRegister Magazine, “Pig Paradise”
Judge’s comments:
The subject of the story had me at hello. I must admit that I don’t think a lot about pigs, but this story has changed me – permanently. It’s a notable example of turning something that might be described as “quiet” into a very fun story.
Honorable mention: Liane Faulder—Edmonton (Canada) Journal, “A beloved spot for ladies-who-lunch shuts down in Edmonton”

Food feature

A single story focusing on food, not including reviews or commentary. Can be a trend story, personality profile, narrative piece, how-to or other feature treatment of a food topic.
First place: Chris Malloy—Phoenix New Times, “Lightning in the Hand: An Apache Leader Hunts for the Past to Nourish the Future”
Judge’s comments:
Chris Malloy’s writing is compelling and storytelling at its best, from a wonderful lede to vivid descriptions of what it takes to hunt and kill woodrats to skillfully capturing the voice of life on an Indian reservation.
Second place: Micah Castelo—Rooted, “An Inside Look at Home Canners Who Preserve by their Own Rules”
Judge’s comments: Micah Castelo offers an interesting and well-researched perspective of what it is to be in the shoes of rebel canners. The narrative is smooth and weaves in facts and figures without missing a beat.
Third place: Katelyn Weisbrod—The Daily Iowan, “2 years ago, she was pre-med at the UI. Now she’s running her own farm.”
Judge’s comments:
In a clean and efficient way, Katelyn Weisbrod conveys the challenges that first-generation farmers face in Iowa. The graphic adds an informative layer to the story.
Honorable mention: Emily Wolfe—Mountain Outlaw, “Patagonia Founder Yvon Chouinard Thinks Food Could Save the Planet”

Food criticism

A single story, such as a restaurant review, that offers opinions about a topic or restaurant in the food industry.
First place: Hanna Raskin—The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier, “Malagon serves marvelous food to those allowed into downtown Charleston restaurant”
Judge’s comments:
Imagine reviewing a restaurant where you haven’t eaten. Hanna Raskin’s account of her efforts to crack into a Charleston restaurant that had warned her not to come is filled with bright writing and laudable restraint. Striking moment: While a review always reflects the perspective of the critic who wrote it, he or she is just an emissary of the people who have to think twice before plunking down $100 for dinner on a random Tuesday night.
Second place: Susie Davidson Powell—(Albany, N.Y.) Times Union, “ca.1883 Tavern at the Stewart House in Athens”
Judge’s comments:
Susie Davidson Powell’s review transports the reader to right to the seasonal table of this restaurant with fabulous descriptions framed with just enough restaurant/chef context to follow along.
Third place: Matthew Odam—Austin American-Statesman “Comedor’s sophistication unmatched in Austin’s Mexican dining scene”
Judge’s comments:
Matthew Odam’s review deftly translates the dining experience at this Spanish restaurant for the uninitiated.

Features series or project

Feature treatment of any lifestyle, A&E or news topic that has multiple parts.
First place: Marisa Kwiatkowski—The Indianapolis Star, “Ashley’s Story: Her foster home seemed perfect. It held a dark secret.”
Judge’s comments:
Wow. Marisa Kwiatkowski takes what could have been a run-of-the-mill story about a young woman’s struggles and turns it into a sometimes beautiful, oftentimes troubling five-part series you won’t soon forget. It’s an exhaustive (but not exhausting) look at a young woman coming to terms with an abusive childhood and trauma throughout her life. The series is painstakingly reported, even though there are barriers at every turn, including a main character who disappears for months at a time. But it all pays off in this no-holds-barred series that is harrowing, heartbreaking and, in the end, a little bit hopeful. It’s a sweeping tale that you won’t soon forget.
Second place: Tony Plohetski—Austin American-Statesman, “19 Days”
Judge’s comments:
Tony Plohetski does a magnificent job of recreating 󈬃 Days” in which Austin, Texas, law enforcement worked to stop a serial bomber from terrorizing the city. Exhaustive reporting leads to a detail-filled account of the bombings and their aftermath. It’s a not-often-seen look inside the investigation process, with superb writing and some compelling audio, also.
Third place: Staff—Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, “ADG Pages from the Past Project”
Judge’s comments:
When the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette turned 200, they celebrated in a big way–a 200-day series looking at a historical front page every day. But this was more than just reproductions, which are fascinating on their own. They were accompanied by essays that analyzed the news of the day, leading to a wonderful history of the past 200 years. All centennial and bicentennial celebrations should be this well done.
Honorable mention: Janine Zeitlin, Amanda Inscore—The News-Press/Naples (Fla.) Daily News, “Forsaken: Anber’s Story”

Narrative storytelling

A single story told in a narrative style, using techniques such as character development, use of dialogue, sense of place, scene building, narrative arc and adherence to theme.
First place: G. Wayne Miller—The Providence (R.I.) Journal “Redemption”
Judge’s comments:
This reads like a crafted piece of work — in form, function and emotional aptitude. The writing is nice, but it’s the storytelling that sells it so well as we discover how a man’s life led to a fateful moment.
Second place: Alexandra Becker—TMC Pulse, “Saving Officer Barnes”
Judge’s comments:
Wonderful writing. Great detail and scene building. There are times you feel like you were part of a tragedy that you’re so thankful you didn’t have to experience.
Third place: Devon Heinen—New Statesman America, “Life after Parkland”
Judge’s comments:
What makes this story work is how the writer uses the tangents of grief mixed with daily life to illustrate the bizarre experience of trying to parent and deal with your grief while the nation is watching every move you make.
Honorable mention: Jesse Hyde—Deseret News, “A nun, a shooting and the unlikely legacy that could save the Amazon rainforest”

Feature specialty writing portfolio

Three stories by the same writer on one features specialty topic, such as arts and entertainment, fashion, food, health, religion, technology or travel.
First place: Jennifer Berry Hawes—The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier
Judge’s comments:
Beautiful writing and moving, well-researched storytelling. Telling stories of our community that make a difference is what the best of features journalism does, and this writer does it extremely well. The assisted suicide saga had me literally weeping.
Second place: Doug MacCash—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com
Judge’s comments:
With great ledes that hook you right away and interesting bits tucked in throughout the stories, you come away feeling like you know these people, their way of life and the city they live in.
Third place: Keith Spera—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com
Judge’s comments:
Music writer Keith Spera examines the life and legacy of three giants of the New Orleans music scene who died in 2019. The writer moved well beyond the basic obit to tell the story of someone’s life. We liked the three different approaches.

Food writing portfolio

Three stories, columns or reviews by the same writer on any food topic.
First place: Hanna Raskin—The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier
Judge’s comments:
Hanna Raskin goes deep in her coverage of food and culture. She delivers a history lesson on the role of restaurants in the civil rights movement for those too young to have lived it, and delivers some unexpected pleasures in her story about an unusual niche in pop culture: prison DIY birthday cakes. Her stories are timely, well reported and expertly written.
Second place: Suzy Leonard—Florida Today
Judge’s comments:
Suzy Leonard speaks for residents of Brevard County in her restaurant scene coverage that spans the complicated place for dogs in restaurants, Florida’s evolving peach industry and even the are-we-cool-enough longing for a Trader Joe’s of their own.
Third place: Ian McNulty—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com
Judge’s comments: Ian McNulty oozes NOLA in his dissertation about tea vs. sweet tea, the father-son bond of a tortilleria dream and the joy that comes with the return of a favorite pub.

General commentary portfolio

A collection of three columns or essays by the same writer on any human interest or specialty topic, excluding editorials.
First place: Mary C. Curtis—CQ Roll Call
Judge’s comments: Wonderful work by a writer who uses great reporting, combined with thoughtful perspective, to create work that makes readers think and feel. No ego-driven tricks as she allows her work to speak for itself.
Second place: Andrea Brown—The (Everett, Wash.) Daily Herald
Judge’s comments: A wonderful example of work that captures the heart and soul of a community. Wonderful piece on a street musician who found redemption.
Third place: Ashley Sexton Gordon—inRegister Magazine
Judge’s comments: Such clarity and voice in her pieces, she builds an intimacy with her readers.

Arts & entertainment commentary portfolio

A collection of three columns, essays or reviews by the same writer on any arts and entertainment topic, including dining reviews but excluding editorials.
First place: Court Mann—Deseret News
Judge’s comments: Slick and sassy on the surface, Court Mann’s takes on pop culture could be dismissed as shallow. (Can we please all agree on Seth Rogen’s hotness?) But Mann reaches for deeper truths here, like the value of interdependence in contemporary music, and the way women pop stars are consistently underestimated for what they bring to the table. These are well-crafted, highly digestible columns.
Second place: Jackson Arn—The Forward
Judge’s comments:
Though they’re aimed at a niche audience, Jackson Arn’s pieces pique broader interest with sharp cultural takes that display a subtle intelligence. His takedown of Daniel Mendelsohn speaks eloquently to what good criticism should achieve—going beyond a simple thumbs up or down to evoke what a particular work of art might have to say about society and the human condition.
Third place: Tracey O’Shaughnessy—(Waterbury, Conn.) Republican-American
Judge’s comments: Tracey O’Shaughnessy’s scholarly takes on art and history don’t merely respect her reader’s intelligence. They demand it—a precious rarity in the newspaper world. Yet they never talk down.
Honorable mention: Talya Zax—The Forward

Sports feature

Feature treatment of any sports topic.
First place: Jennifer Graham—Deseret News “Inside the mind of the man who keeps Tom Brady in the game”
Judge’s comments: The lede hooks you (“… these are the hands that massage Tom Brady. These hands.”) and the story keeps you there. Jennifer Graham goes beyond what can be the usual sports territory — how does a trainer keep Tom Brady going physically, although we learn about that, too — to deliver a deeper profile. A model for anyone trying to capture the essence of a person.
Second place: Doug MacCash—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com “Saints superfan has 64 players’ autographs tattooed on body: Brees, Kamara, Gleason, even Gayle Benson”
Judge’s comments: So many details woven throughout enrich Doug MacCash’s story of a Saints superfan and prove what we know to be true: Everyone has an interesting tale to tell. Some nice writing throughout, including this imagery: In time, his back has become like the bottom of the U.S. Constitution, a selection of important though largely illegible scribbles. He wears a custom-made jersey with a transparent back made from a clear shower curtain, to let his collection shine through. He calls himself the “Signature Saint.”
Third place: Anna Kayser—The Daily Iowan “Tom Brands leads through accountability in the Iowa wrestling room”
Judge’s comments:
Anna Kayser gets past the corny cliches (and the ones just corny enough) to profile a storied wrestling program and the coach who sets the tone and the standards, on and off the mat. We get a clear picture of a coach and man who walks the walk and does not let down his athletes, who are not yet grown up when they come to him.
Honorable mention: Jeff Mills (Greensboro, N.C.) News & Record “A&T’s Kayla White Uses Dancer’s Precision to Create Art of Speed”

Video storytelling

The coverage of any A&E, lifestyle or specialty topic using a single video of not more than 8 minutes in length.
First place: Madeline Powell, Kayla Thomas—The Fall Workshop 2019 | Syracuse University, “Beyond My Reflection”
Judge’s comments:
Visually this video was a stunner. And the filmmaker weaved all the components–including gorgeous b-roll–into a tight feature package. As viewers, we are treated to the awesome dance moves of the soloist, who doubles as a creative way to move the narrative along. Very well done!
Second place: Katie Klann—The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette, “The Time We Shared”
Judge’s comments: The filmmaker is a talented storyteller. This lovely vignette is well-paced and weaves nicely the dual themes of an artist’s passion and love and loss.

Integrated storytelling

The coverage of any A&E, features or lifestyle topic told through the integrated use of print, online, social media, video and any other platform.
First place: Tony Bartelme—The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier, “The AGEs Puzzle”
Judge’s comments: AGEs – what a fascinating topic! Well written, engaging, informative, educational. Tony Bartelme Breaks down a difficult topic, digests it and serves it up to readers in terms they can easily understand. That’s good writing! Video supported the topic well.
Second place: Staff—Florida Today, “Apollo 11 50th anniversary coverage”
Judge’s comments: The Apollo 11 50th anniversary story invoked awe and pride – to think what the men and women at NASA did with such rudimentary equipment (compared to now) is absolutely incredible. The film captures all of it. Watching the faces of the ground crew during moon takeoff really showed the concern they had for a successful launch. The malady called “Apollo 11 disease” was an interesting element to add. The advancer about the 1960s-themed party was fun.
Third place: Staff—The Rooted, “This Instagrammer is Turning Road Kill into Leather Goods”
Judge’s comments:
This story about a woman who is a homesteader was fascinating. To live off the land and put roadkill to good use by tanning hides and making a multitude of leather items is fascinating. A totally great online presence. Well written and informative.
Honorable mention: Cody Duty, Britni McAshan—TMC Pulse, “Curated: The Intersection of Arts and Medicine”

Diversity in digital features

The coverage of any A&E, features or lifestyle topic that highlights the diversity within a publication’s audience.
First place: Seth Boster—The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette “Lost and found at the auction”
Judge’s comments: Reporter Seth Boster found love–and two charming characters–in an unexpected place. A greatly enjoyable read!
Second place: Mike Fisher—UMagazine, “How do we protect the most vulnerable?”
Judge’s comments:
A thorough and well-researched overview of an important issue—this is a great example of how to localize an international story.

Best special section

The best your publication has to offer in printed A&E, features and lifestyle coverage.
First place: Rebecca Vaughan, Staff—Palm Beach (Fla.) Post “Palm Beach County 2030”
Judge’s comments: A clear winner: solid writing, easy-to-use graphics, great photography and an appealing layout.
Second place: Staff—The (Colorado Springs, Colo.) Gazette, “Colorful Colorado”
Judge’s comments: The Gazette has much to work with on this topic and makes the most of it. The written profiles bring the characters and places to life, and the photography more than adequately captures the scenery.
Third place: Staff—(Greensboro, N.C.) News & Record, “Veterans section”
Judge’s comments: The appealing layout and great content selection for the two-page spread give this section a slight edge.
Honorable mention: Greg Lovett, Rebecca Vaughan—The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post “Up Above Palm Beach County”

Best niche product

The best examples of a niche product – such as a magazine or special section – published at least two times a year.
First place: Karen Taylor, Andrea Daniel, Annette Sisco—The Times-Picayune | The New Orleans Advocate | NOLA.com, “InsideOut”
Judge’s comments: This section offers useful–and sometimes unusual–tips on home decor, gardening and real estate. The writing is lively and informative. We especially loved the tour of some of New Orleans’ secret gardens. And the regular feature called Cool Stuff, which showcases local treasures, is a must-read for shopaholics.
Second place: Features staff—(Albany, N.Y.) Times Union, “Upstate Magazine”
Judges comments: This well-done magazine showcases the offerings of upstate New York. The Family Vacations issue offered tons of ideas for quick get-aways, and the Best Of edition is a wealth of information.

Notice an error on this page? Email Margaret Myers, [email protected], for a correction.


How Journalists Might Better Meet the Information Needs of Communities: An Interview with Andrea Wenzel

Andrea Wenzel, the author of the 2020 book, Community-Centered Journalism: Engaging People, Exploring Solutions, and Building Trust, graduated several years ago from the USC Annenberg School of Communication and Journalism. While there, she worked with the Metamorphosis research group which has developed a distinctive vocabulary for talking about the narrative resources and networks that inform community life. I was lucky enough to have her as a student in my PhD seminar on the Cultural Studies of Communication and to have introduced her to my former MIT student and sometimes writing partner, Sam Ford, with whom she has been doing some collaborations around understanding the special challenges of providing quality journalism in small towns and rural America. Community-Centered Journalism explores a range of alternative models for how journalists might more productively engage with the citizens in their local areas to insure that their information needs are adequately met, that they are empowered to participate meaningfully in the decisions that impact their lives, and that trust is built and maintained across the process. This book could not be more cutting edge in the ways it explores what’s happening to news today even as it addresses core challenges which I recognized from my time as a local reporter almost forty years ago. For those of us who are invested in alternative models of participation, the book provides frameworks for thinking about how journalism might fit within a more participatory culture. I hope this interview will serve to introduce Community-Centered Journalism to readers who would not have encountered this book otherwise.

You write in your introduction that “dominant journalism norms and practices. often act as barriers to strengthening ties with local storytelling networks.” What are some examples of these “local storytelling networks?” What value do these networks bring to civic life?

Local storytelling networks basically refer to the idea that in every geographic community you have different kinds of actors involved in telling that community’s story. There hopefully is some sort of local media, but often community organizations and other networks of residents also play an important role in how people find out what is happening in their area. Researchers have found that when ties between different actors in local storytelling networks are strong, residents tend to have higher rates of civic participation and a shared understandings of community issues. But the health of these networks depends on their being trust between these different parties, and in communities that have historically been stigmatized by negative news coverage that is often not the case.

What aspects of dominant journalism seem to be having harmful consequences on how they operate? What other factors contribute to the relative strength of such networks?

Probably the most problematic journalism norm that still circulates in many newsroom is the idea of “ objectivity .” While that norm can be interpreted in many ways , the dominant interpretation has had the effect of creating distance between journalists and communities, and reinforcing whiteness . Even when journalists don’t intend for this to be the case, traditional ideas about what makes an authoritative source lead to overrepresenting people in positions of power, who are often white men. At the same time, many journalists avoid collaborating with community organizations due to fears of been perceived to be biased. All of this can strain relationships between residents and community groups and local media. Those relationships can also be complicated by factors such as political polarization, or divisions along lines of race, ethnicity, class, and language.

Speak about the paradoxes of local journalism. In many places, there is little or no local news being produced, but where it is being produced, it often plays a central role in the life of the community and is often a site of innovation in terms of how reporters relate to their readers.

We know too well that local journalism has been in crisis for some time, with a failed business model, and countless news outlets closing or becoming ghost newspapers that do not serve local information needs. At the same time, places that may at a glance have very little in the way of traditional news outlets can still be rich with communication resources. And, unfortunately, places that have multiple news outlets may not be serving all the communities in their coverage footprint equitably—complicating some interpretations of the idea of news deserts.

In my book I look at several cases where local journalists work to build relationships with residents and existing communication assets to develop coverage with and for communities. This includes initiatives I was involved in that grew from a process of assessing information needs and assets, discussing findings with groups of researchers, journalists, and community stakeholders, then collaboratively designing interventions that that combined elements of solutions journalism and engaged journalism.

This community-centered process led to a project in rural Western Kentucky where an outlet called the Ohio County Monitor reimagined the local tradition of having society columnists to start a new community contributors project to give residents a chance to share first-person perspectives on a range of issues. They also organized listening tours in the cafes of convenience stations around the county where groups of local regulars would gather for coffee and conversation at self-described “liars tables”—which despite their name were often the best way to find out what was happening in the area.

A similar community-centered process alto led to the creation of the Germantown Info Hub in a majority Black neighborhood of Philadelphia where residents wanted an alternative to historically negative and crime-centric coverage of their community. That project has grown into a community journalism project where a community organizer and a community reporter conduct outreach, share neighborhood stories online and on a community radio show, and host community discussions.

How might we contrast solutions journalism with a more conventional notion of watchdog journalism?

Solutions journalism, using the definition espoused by the Solutions Journalism Network , is essentially a call for journalists to rigorously report not just on problems but on responses to social problems. It challenges the traditional theory of change associated with watchdog journalism—that just adding sunlight to reveal a problem will automatically lead to change. Proponents of solutions journalism argue that in order for people to take agency to improve a situation they need to understand what change is possible, how it works, and the limitations of such efforts.

What relationship might we posit between engaged journalism and so-called citizen journalism? Can one be engaged and objective at the same time?

Engaged journalism is a term that can and has been interpreted in many ways. I think of it as a range of practices that aim to build relationships between journalists and the public, to assess and respond to their information needs and interests, and to involve the public to varying degrees in the journalistic process. That involvement could include citizen journalism, but it can also involve people in different ways—contributing to the creation of stories or discussion of them. There can be a real spectrum of participation depending on the interest and labor citizens are able to contribute, and the degree of comfort professional journalists have in sharing editorial power. As I alluded earlier I think the dominant interpretation of objectivity has been operationalized in journalism in a way that is problematic. At the same time, I think most practitioners of engaged journalism would say they are not advocates for any particular issue but rather advocates for a community and its information needs.

In the early 1980s, I was hired to be a feature writer for the Smyrna Neighbor Newspaper in what was then still a semi-rural suburb of Atlanta. Having never lived in that community before, I had little sense of what the needs or interests of the community were and felt bunkered in the newspaper office not sure where to go in search of good stories. Previously, my work as a student journalist had been within communities -- my high school and my university -- where I knew the people well. What are some of the options that a young reporter today might have as they sought to develop a deeper understanding of the community and its needs?

This is a great question and one that I think many new (and not so new) journalists grapple with. One of the competencies that I wish were taught more universally in journalism schools (or in newsrooms) is how to adapt community organizing strategies for journalism . These strategies often center the idea of relationship building and understanding local power dynamics and being mindful of one’s own positionality with these dynamics. Organizations like Free Press News Voices do a lot of great work and have some helpful online resources . I’ve seen them work with journalists on strategies like having one-on-one meetings with community stakeholders, asset mapping to understand local communication resources and power dynamics, and convening community discussions. Another strategy I’ve seen work well is to have accountability conversations where journalists who cover a community join residents to talk about their coverage, creating 2-way feedback loops and opportunities to build relationships. And even for new reporters who may have limited resources, a lot can be accomplished by simply showing up to be in the community when not working on a story—be it for a community meeting or to go to a coffee shop (in a non-pandemic reality). People appreciate reporters who show up to get to know a community and not simply to extract quotes. The Listening Post Collective has some great tips about how to get to know the information needs of a community and build relationships.

As you describe across the book, your own journalistic experience and research has included work in public radio in Chicago and Afghanistan, in Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Kentucky. What similarities and differences have you found in the informational needs of these very different communities?

A lot of the argument I make in my book is that you can’t impose a one-size-fits-all approach to local journalism. The same things that make an intervention responsive to a community’s information needs is the same thing that prevents it from really being scalable. That said, I’ve definitely seen a lot of common themes pop up in all the places you note here. This probably has something to do with the fact that many of the people I have spoken with in my work have come from communities that have been marginalized or stigmatized in one way or another. There have been common frustrations with feeling like outsiders—coming from another country or another part of a city—have not represented their stories in a way that felt fair or respectful to them. People in all of these places also shared with me a hunger to see more stories that highlighted community-driven solutions—be they a farmer in Afghanistan or a community organizer in South Los Angeles. Finally, while the specific information needs varied, in each there were often gaps between the actionable information residents often prioritized and the ideas journalists might have of what would make a story compelling or newsworthy—some of these complaints connect with calls by some to rethink a hierarchy of information needs in journalism. Reflecting back on what I learned from all of these different contexts, my big take away was actually pretty simple—community-centered projects are not really scalable, but a community-centered process is portable. I think listening to and working with communities to respond to both information needs and assets is our best hope for strengthening the communication health of communities.

Andrea Wenzel is an assistant professor of journalism and communication at Temple University. She is the author of Community-Centered Journalism: Engaging People, Exploring Solutions and Building Trust (University of Illinois Press, 2020). As a Knight News Innovation Fellow with Columbia University’s Tow Center for Digital Journalism, she has led projects on local news with a focus on marginalized groups in rural, small town, suburban and urban communities. Her projects have explored issues of equity and inclusion, engaged journalism, and solutions journalism. She is the co-founder of the community journalism project, the Germantown Info Hub.

Henry Jenkins


The Mystery of McKinney Livery Stable

David Yearsley River Heritage Center, Steamer Landing Park (photo courtesy of Scott Hess)

In 2004, the McKinney Livery Stable was removed from the corner it had occupied for a century at First and D streets, to make way for a parking garage. Relocated to Steamer Landing Park, the false front building was painstakingly restored and reincarnated as the David Yearsley River Heritage Center, a memorial to a time in which the horse was Petaluma’s primary form of transportation.

Yet, a mystery remains. Why was it originally called the McKinney Livery Stable when it was built and operated by a man named Jack Grimes? Who exactly was McKinney?

Local historian Terry Park puts his money on a racehorse.

John Jarr, a German immigrant, who operated a local beer distribution company, atop a wagon of the John Wieland Brewery in San Francisco, outside McKinney Livery Stable, 1st & C streets, circa 1907 (photo Sonoma County Library courtesy of Lee Torliatt)

Horse transportation was already on the wane in 1904 when Grimes opened McKinney Livery. A new era of equine-free travel was dawning, beginning in the 1890s with the craze for the bicycle, a machine embraced by women as “the freedom machine,” as it meant they were no longer dependent upon a man hitching up a buggy to drive them around town.

A similar sense of liberation greeted the 1904 opening of the Petaluma & Santa Rosa Railway, an electric trolley providing service to Petaluma, Sebastopol and Santa Rosa, with numerous stops in between. The railway’s “windsplitter” cars offered farmers a convenient means of getting into town as well as an alternative to hauling their produce, milk, and eggs to market by horse and wagon.

Petaluma & Santa Rosa Railway passengers boarding a “windsplitter” car at the East Washington and Weller streets depot, 1907 (photo Sonoma County Library)

The new P&SRR also purchased the Petaluma Street Railway, a horse-drawn trolley first installed in 1889 that traversed the city’s cobblestone streets on rails from Sunnyslope Avenue down F Street to Sixth, then across Sixth and Liberty streets to Western Avenue and Kentucky Street before heading along Washington Street to the fairgrounds. The P&SRR’s plan was to convert the line to modern electric cars, but after seeing a sudden decline in trolley ridership, they instead shut it down and ripped out its tracks.

Petaluma Street Railway’s horse-drawn trolley on the rails on Kentucky Street as viewed from Western Avenue, 1895 (photo Sonoma County Library)

Declining usage of the horse-trolley coincided with the opening in 1903 of Petaluma’s first local auto dealership at Steiger’s Sportsman Emporium on Main Street, across from today’s Putnam Plaza. Steiger’s initial model was a single cylinder Oldsmobile Runabout with seven horsepower—“horsepower” being a new measure for comparing gas engines with the power of draft horses—for $650, or $18,000 in today’s currency.

In 1904, the same year Grimes opened the McKinney Livery Stable, Steiger’s launched Petaluma’s first “livery auto,” marking the beginning of the end for local horse and buggy taxis, or “hacks” as they were called.

1903 metal sign for the Oldsmobile Runabout (photo walmart.com)

McKinney Livery Stable joined five long-standing local liveries. The oldest, Murphy Stables, established in the 1850s as the Petaluma Livery Stable, was located on Main Street across from today’s Penry Park in what is now known as the Mahoney Building. Buggies were parked upstairs and the horses taken down a ramp to the stables on Water Street. Like the other liveries, Murphy’s was located near a hotel, in this instance the Washington Hotel, whose site is currently occupied by a Bank of America parking lot.

Kamp’s Livery & Feed Stable, Main Street across from Penry Plaza, circa 1900, which became Murphy Livery after Nicholas Kamp sold it to William Murphy in 1902. Three years later, Kamp purchased the former Fashion Livery at the corner of Kentucky and Washington streets, renaming it Kamp & Son. Currently occupied by Buffalo Billiards. (photo Sonoma County Library)

The other four liveries were all established in the 1870s and 1880s. They consisted of Kamp & Son on the southeast corner of Kentucky and Washington streets the American Livery at 122 Kentucky Street, which backed up to the American Hotel on Main Street, where Putnam Plaza currently sits the City Livery, on the northeast corner of Western Avenue and Keller Street across from the City Hotel (renamed the Continental Hotel in 1905) on Western Avenue and the Centennial Livery on Main Street wedged between the Masonic Lodge and the Cosmopolitan Hotel, in the building now occupied by the Lan Mart.

In addition to providing parking for hotel guests, liveries offered saddle horses and horse rigs for hire by the day or week. Rented rigs were especially popular on Sundays, when people liked to dress up and take drives about town, particularly young men courting young ladies.

The other function liveries served was boarding horses, particularly racehorses and stallions rented out for breeding, both of which were Grimes’s primary purposes in opening the McKinney Livery Stable.

Sunday afternoon carriage ride along Petaluma’s Sixth Street, 1900 (photo Sonoma County Library)

Grimes had been in the horse business since immigrating in the early 1880s from Ireland’s County Tipperary, to Lakeville, where he joined his aunt Margaret Mallen and her children on their farm in Lakeville, shortly after Mallen’s husband passed away. At the time, Lakeville was a vibrant center of the local Irish community, Petaluma’s first large group of immigrants.

It was also home to William Bihler, a German immigrant who bred cattle and horses on his 8,000-acre ranch. Bihler was the owner of Young England’s Glory, said to be the finest English Draft stallion in America. Along with Harrison Meacham, who bred Clydesdale draft horses on his 7,000-acre ranch northwest of Petaluma, and Theodore Skillman, California’s main importer and breeder of French Norman draft horses at his Magnolia Ranch north of town, Bihler helped to establish Petaluma’s reputation as the “Big Horse Market” of the Pacific Coast. Draft horses, in addition to working the farms, were also in high demand for pulling carriages and delivery wagons around the growing metropolis of San Francisco.

Illustration of Theodore Skillman’s imported French Norman draft horses (Petaluma Argus, December 20, 1884)

Petaluma was also becoming known in the 1880s for harness racing. In 1882, the Sonoma and Marin Agricultural Society, which had staged an annual fair in Petaluma since 1867, purchased 60 acres of the Payran ranch on the east side of town for a new Agricultural Park, having outgrown its 10-acre site at Fair Street, site of today’s Petaluma High School.

One of the problems with the old fairgrounds was the racetrack, which, in addition to being only a half-mile long, had a rock stratum beneath its surface that many horsemen considered unsafe, deterring racing entries, which served as the fair’s largest source of revenue. The society’s new fairgrounds provided a mile-long track on adobe soil, which, while not ideal for winter racing, made for one of the fastest summer tracks in the state, reviving local harness racing, which since the Civil War had evolved from impromptu heats on country roads, into professional events at county fairs.

Harness race at Petaluma’s Agricultural Park, circa 1885 (photo Sonoma County Library)

The races, in which a horse pulls a driver in a two-wheeled cart, were based on two different gaits, trotting and pacing. Trotters moved their legs forward in diagonal pairs, with right front and left hind legs striking the ground simultaneously, followed by left front and right hind legs. Pacers moved their legs laterally, with the right front and right hind legs moving together, then the left front and left hind legs. By the 1880s, harness races, which had run up to four miles, had been reduced to between half a mile, or four furlongs, and a mile and a half.

The shorter distances favored sprinters and younger horses, leading to changes in breeding practices that resulted in the Standardbred, a horse trained to either trot or pace at the 30 miles per hour required to meet the “standard” 2:30 minute mark around a one-mile track.

As farmers’ demand for draft horses begin dropping in the 1880s with the adoption of steam-powered tractors and threshing machines, many local horsemen shifted to breeding racehorses.

That was the market Grimes targeted when he opened his first livery in 1887, leasing with a partner a stable on East Washington Street across from the train depot. By the 1890s, his horses were winning races and awards, including first prize for his pacing stallion, Location, Jr., at the 1899 state fair.

Harness racing, however, was curtail in the mid-1890s, after California’s governor cut the state’s subsidies for county fairs as part of a tax-reduction initiative. The Sonoma and Marin County Agricultural Society managed to secure private funding for one last fair in 1895, followed by a five-day harness racing meet the following year, after which the Petaluma Savings Bank foreclosed on their fairgrounds. Horse racing in California subsequently shifted entirely to privately owned tracks, where wagering became paramount.

In November of 1902, Harry Stover, a well-known California racehorse owner, purchased Petaluma’s dormant 60-acre Agricultural Park, along with 50 adjacent acres, renaming it Kenilworth Park in honor of his prized thoroughbred racehorse.

Illustration of Harry Stover’s prized thoroughbred Kenilworth, 1901 (from the San Francisco Chronicle)

Born in Kansas and raised in Humboldt County, Stover began buying and racing horses while still a teenager working in a Eureka sawmill. In his youth he also excelled at cross-country racing, instilling in him a drive to win at any cost. It was a trait not always admired by his fellow horsemen at the race track. Accusations of bookmaking and under-the-table dealings led to periodic suspensions for Stover from the racing circuit, earning him a reputation “not of the sweetest order, and especially unsavory in California.”

Based in the Bay Area, Stover raced his thoroughbreds under the colors of one of Kentucky’s prominent breeders, Ketcheman Stables, while traveling the annual racing circuit that started in San Francisco and Los Angeles in the spring, then onto St. Louis, Chicago, and the Midwest in the summer, and finally New York and the East Coast in the fall.

In 1900, he purchased a thoroughbred named Kenilworth who quickly made him one of the top horsemen in the country. Tall and leggy with a swimming stride, the two-year-old colt was said to take to a muddy track like a duck to water, an advantage for rainy meets in the Midwest and East. In Kenilworth’s first year on the turf, he set a California record of nine straight wins, earning Stover more than $25,000 in purses, or $775,000 in today’s currency.

Harness race at Kenilworth Park, early 1900s (photo Sonoma County Library)

California horse racing faced a new challenge by that time from Progressives and evangelists like the Women’s Christian Temperance Union who were engaged in a moral campaign to stamp out vice. Bowing to their influence, in 1899 the city of San Francisco banned gambling, resulting in the closure of its popular Ingleside Race Track. A new track named Tanforan was quickly constructed in nearby San Bruno to circumvent the ban.

Stover saw a similar opportunity in establishing his race track at Kenilworth Park as an alternative to the late spring meets held in Los Angeles, which some horsemen complained were becoming light in the winning purses.

For financial backing he turned to Rudolph Spreckels, a scion of the Spreckels sugar family, who had recently purchased the Sobre Vista Ranch in Glen Ellen as a summer residence. Like many wealthy men of the day, Spreckels maintained a racing stable of thoroughbreds and standardbreds. He boarded them at Petaluma’s former Agriculture Park, which, after shutting down, had been leased to a group of local horsemen, including Grimes, for boarding and training purposes.

Kenilworth being restrained at Kenilworth Park track (photo Sonoma County Library)

Stover quickly set about reworking the racetrack for thoroughbred as well as harness racing, and remodeling the stables to accommodate hundreds of horses for boarding and training. He also created an arena for game chickens, cockfighting being one of his favorite side hobbies.

It wasn’t until 1906 that the state’s governing racing authority, the California Jockey Club, approved Stover’s application for a spring meet. In the meantime, he staged his own harness and thoroughbred races at the track, often featuring his prized stallion Kenilworth, now referred to in racing circles as the “Petaluma Flyer.”

Harness race at Kenilworth Park, 1907 (photo Sonoma County Library)

The renewal of local horse racing inspired Grimes to build his own livery as a training and breeding stable. Local historian Terry Park believes the name, McKinney Livery, was a means of branding the stable for horse breeding, in that McKinney was the name of a legendary California stallion owned by Los Angeles Irishman Charles A. Durfee.

After entering race circuit in 1889 as a two-year-old colt, McKinney won 17 out of his 24 starts, setting a record of 2:11 in a historic mile-long harness race during his final campaign at the age of four.

Standardbred McKinney (photo Harness Racing Museum)

After his retirement from the track, the breeding demand for McKinney was so great that over his lifetime he sired more than 1,400 progeny, creating a bloodline in the making of the American Standardbred. By the early 1900s, McKinney had earned in race purses and stud fees more than $150,000, or $4.5 million in today’s currency.

In setting up his new stable, Grimes acquired two horses sired by McKinney, the more distinguished of which was McMyrtle, a prize-winning standardbred Grimes advertised as “the best bred horse in the county.” Of the horses entered in the harness race meet held at Kenilworth Park in 1907, McMyrtle was among two dozen pacers and trotters who were sired by McKinney.

John Grimes’ prized standardbred stallion McMyrtle (photo Breeder & Sportsman)

The moral crusade to shut down racetracks however was taking its toll on horse racing. In 1904, Petaluma’s mayor, William H. Veale, bowing to the demands of the Good Government League, issued an order to close all gambling within the city limits. As the race track at Kenilworth sat on the eastern boundary line, the boxes for the bookies were simply moved to the east side of the track just over the city limits.

Race tracks in other parts of the country were not so fortunate. Of the 314 tracks operating across the United States in 1897, only 25 remained by 1908, after New York became the first state to officially ban gambling. The California legislature followed suit in February of 1909 with the Walker Otis Anti-Racetrack Gambling Bill, making it impossible for bookmakers to ply their trade, and resulting in the closing of race tracks around the state.

As other states adopted bans on gambling, the Aqua Caliente track in Tijuana, Mexico, just across the California border, became the new betting mecca for horse racing.

Aqua Caliente Race Track, Tijuana, Mexico, circa 1910s (photo Hippostcard.com)

Stover, who had participated earlier in an ill-fated scheme to establish winter racing meets in Mexico City, wasn’t able take advantage of the new Mexican racing boom however. Four months after California passed its gambling bill, he died while attending a race at a track he owned in Salt Lake City. Stover was 45. The cause of death was tuberculosis, which he’d suffered from for some time. He placed his last bet on one of his thoroughbreds, Native Son, who won the first race of the day.

Stover left Kenilworth Park, which he had expanded to 250 acres with more than 100 mares and stallions, making it one of the largest breeding farms in California, to his widow Hattie. In 1911, she sold 65 acres of the property to the city of Petaluma, who converted it into a municipal park for baseball games, gambling-free horse racing, rodeos, and a public campground.

In 1914, Hattie Stover parted with her husband’s favorite horse, Kenilworth, selling him to the John and Louie Bugeia, who continued to show him in expositions and breed him on their horse ranch at Black Point in Marin County.

Auto taxi fleet outside the Continental Hotel on Western Avenue at Kentucky Street, across the street from the City Livery (current site of Chase Bank), 1915 (photo Petaluma Historic Library & Museum)

The Centennial and American Livery stables closed in 1911, victims of the automobile’s increasing popularity. Two years later, Grimes, a lifelong bachelor, decided to take an extended trip back to Ireland. He retained the livery but auctioned off his stock, including his prized standardbred McMyrtle and a draft horse named Duke, which he claimed to be the only remaining Norman stud in Sonoma County.

When Grimes returned to town in 1914, he rebuilt his breeding stock and added a second barn to his livery at First and D streets. A few years later, shortly after America entered World War I, the three remaining liveries in town closed down, leaving Grime’s McKinney Livery the last stable standing.

Four men outside McKinney Livery Stable, circa 1910s (photo Sonoma County Library)

In 1920, Grimes was thrown from a hay wagon and seriously injured. Unable to maintain the livery, he auctioned off his stock of more than 100 horses and sold his two barns to grain merchant George P. McNear, who leased them to the Sonoma Express Company. Two years later, Grimes died at the age of 64.

The legendary Kenilworth lived until 1933, just short of his 35 th birthday, having won 94 races during his seven-year career on the racing turf. That same year, with the economy crippled by the Great Depression, California voters passed a referendum legalizing pari-mutuel betting at race tracks, which allotted a fixed percentage of the money wagered to racing purses, track operating costs, and state and local taxes, before being divided up among winning betters.

Horse races returned to county fairs, although not at Kenilworth Park, where the Sonoma-Marin District Fair, which began restaging annual fairs at the park in 1936, converted the track to auto racing.

After Grimes’ death, the McKinney Livery Stable was utilized for many purposes over the next century—including as a warehouse, a hide tanning factory, a poultry dealer, a pinochle parlor, an auto and tractor repair shop—until 2004, when thanks to the initiative of Katherine J. Rinehart and other local building preservationists, it was moved to its new home in Steamer Landing Park and rechristened.

The David Yearsley River Heritage Center, Steamer Landing Park (photo courtesy of Dwight Sugioka)

Special thanks to historians Terry Park and Katherine Rinehart for their help.

Buffalo Review: “Sporting Events of the Day,” October 2, 1900 “Kenilworth Demonstrates His High Class,” October 9, 1900.

Los Angeles Evening Express: “Petaluma Flyer Comes,” September 30, 1903.

Nashville Tennessean, “Live Sporting Notes,” January 17, 1894.

Oakland Tribune: “The Premiums,” September 3, 1890.

Petaluma Argus: “The County Fair,” September 19, 1867 “Norman Stallion Duke de Chartes,” May 25, 1877 “Draft Horses,” August 26, 1881 “Draft Horses,” November 25, 1881 “Agricultural Park,” December 23, 1881 “What Others Think,” January 6, 1882 “Selections,” September 21, 1899 “Agricultural Park is Sold,” November 25, 1902 “Two New Automobiles for Petaluma People,” October 31, 1903 “Bought the Old Street Railway,” November 11, 1903 “Is Building a Big Barn,” November 2, 1904 “Steiger’s New Building a Big Improvement,” July 27, 1905 “Finished Work of Removing the Rails,” July 2, 1906 “Opening of the Races,” August 23, 1907 “Master of Kenilworth is Dead,” June 3, 1909 “Mrs. Stover Presents Cup,” August 13, 1909 “More About the Fine Races,” July 21, 1914 “Mrs. H. Stover Will Dispose of Kenilworth,” August 30, 1914 “Grimes Auction was Underway,” December 6, 1919 “Firemen Stop Serious Fire in City’s Largest Stable Sunday,” December 8, 1919 “Purchased the Grimes Property,” July 12, 1920 “Death Calls Jack Grimes,” October 9, 1922 “W.H. Dado Buys the Jos. Steiger Sporting Goods Store on Tuesday,” December 10, 1924.

Petaluma Argus-Courier: “Hotel Will Be Called the Continental,” June 9, 1905 “Petaluma Once Had a Street Railway,” May 9, 1941 “Kenilworth, Famous Stallion Dies at Novato,” February 8, 1933 John Anderson, “Early Petaluma Had Horse Drawn Street Cars, Many Livery Stables,” August 5, 1955 “Memories of Petaluma in the early 1900s,” April 24, 1982 “Petaluma’s Hidden Gems,” May 10, 2012.

Petaluma Courier: “East Petaluma,” August 17, 1887 “Petaluma Street Railway,” October 3, 1889 “No Appropriations,” March 28, 1895 “For Our Fair,” April 23, 1895 “A Slight Mistake,” July 29, 1896 “Donahue Dots,” July 22, 1896 “Agricultural Park,” March 9, 1897 “Sobre Vista Purchased,” April 2, 1897 “Street Cars No More,” October 3, 1898 “Local Brevities,” March 29, 1899 Ad for Grimes’ stallion breeding, May 20, 1899 Notice, March 14, 1900 “Spreckels’ Horses Arrive,” April 19, 1902 “Working out at the Track,” November 25, 1902 “Local Brevities,” December 2, 1902 “Jack Grimes’ New Menagerie in East Petaluma Grows,” April 7, 1903 “Transfers of Sonoma County Real Estate,” October 24, 1904 “Mrs. Stover Presents Cup,” August 13, 1909 Ad for Myrtle, April 30, 1910 “Blooded Stock is Sold at Auction,” August 3, 1913 “Mrs. H. Stover Will Dispose of Kenilworth,” August 30, 1914 “Springtime Won Race,” October 27, 1914 “Will Erect a Large Barn,” April 7, 1915 “Jack Grimes Was Severely Injured,” December 2, 1919 “Mrs. M. Mallen Succumbs in San Francisco,” March 6, 1920.

San Francisco Call: “Kenilworth Makes a Great Record,” April 14, 1901 “Last Day of the Running Races,” May 4, 1890 “Kenilworth Park Meeting,” January 24, 1906 “Kinney Lou and Driver Are the Features,” October 11, 1908 “Noted Turfman Passes Under Final Wire,” June 4, 1909.

San Francisco Chronicle: “Gossip of the Turf,” April 6, 1901 “Harry Stover and his Stable Suspended,” May 1, 1902 “Trotters Bring $3,155 at the Petaluma Sale,” August 5, 1913.

Santa Rosa Republican: “Order Made to Stop Gaming,” May 24, 1904 “One Stake is Filled,” February 17, 1908 “News Items from Republican of Twenty Years Ago,” August 3, 1933.

Books, Journals, Magazines, Websites

“The Horse In Sport,” The International Museum of The Horse. http://www.imh.org/imh/his/harness

Paul Roberts, Isabelle Taylor, Laurence Weatherly, “Looking Back: The Lost Tracks of the San Francisco Bay Area,” Thoroughbred Racing Commentary, thoroughbredracing.com.

W. Robertson, The History of Thoroughbred Racing in America (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1964).

Charlene Wear Simmons, “Gambling in the Golden State 1998 Forward,” California Research Bureau, California State Library, 1998, p. 99. https://oag.ca.gov/sites/all/files/agweb/pdfs/gambling/GS98.pdf

Peter Willet, The Thoroughbred (NY: G.P. Putnam Sons, 1970).


Examples:

(Examples should be listed under the medium of the work they originally appeared in.)

  • A 1980s British TV ad for Yellow Pages features a man searching used bookstores for a hard-to-find book: Fly Fishing by J. R. Hartley. Eventually, with the help of Yellow Pages, he finds a shop which has a copy of the book, which he reserves over the phone at this point, we find out that the man is (the fictional) J.R. Hartley. Later, a real book was published with the same title and byline.
  • Staples had a series of commercials in which office employees would press a Big Red Button labeled "EASY" to make needed office supplies appear. Staples later began selling "Easy Buttons" that, when pressed, play a recording of the ad's narrator saying "That was easy." A Spanish version also exists, which says "Así de fácil" when pressed. And a French-Canadian version, that goes "Y'a rien d'plus simple." (Nothing's simpler).
    • Amazon offers Dash Buttons, which allow ordering of a specific product with the push of a button. The EASY Button has come into full reality.
    • The Sakuma Drop candy in Grave of the Fireflies, which was Setsuko's favorite snack, actually existed in real life before the anime was made. An exact replica can from the anime was released in 1988 and reprinted in 2008. That said, it's outright jarring to see Setsuko printed on the can, considering how it was used in the end.
    • Kujibiki Unbalance was originally a Show Within a Show of Genshiken, but was eventually made into a real series with an altered premise. When the characters within the original watched the real series the changes were incorporated back into the show!
      • When the retooled Kujiun series became a manga, it included a bonus omake chapter of Genshiken where they discussed the retooled Kujiun series becoming a manga and the changes made to it, including a Lampshade Hanging ("Who the hell is Kio Shimoku?"). Reincorporation Combo Attack!
      • The fictional band Fire Bomber from Macross 7 has released over a dozen albums.
      • Sharon Apple of Macross Plus is basically an ahead-of-her-time Vocaloid. See Virtual Celebrity for just how far this has gone.
      • The fictional girl group Walküre from Macross Delta is now a legit group, with Minori Suzuki and JUNNA as its lead singers (but not as their characters though but themselves), with Kiyono Yasuno, Nozomi Nishida and Nao Touyama (Kaname, Makina and Reina respectively) also part of the group.
      • Which is interesting as, during the period when Ghibli films (specifically Miyazaki) were a big thing, The Cat Returns was constantly shown as a trailer with other Disney/Ghibli films, while Heart or its connection is never mentioned at all.
      • The hat Ash constantly wore in the first few seasons of the anime was sold as a real hat after the show took off internationally. This extended to his later hats.
      • Mobile Suit Gundam - A 1/1 scale model of the RX-78-2 Gundam which can move its head around was created to celebrate the series's 30th anniversary. There is also an actual institution that is researching a real-live Psycommu. It even has "New Type" in its name. "Gundam" is also a fairly popular secret Code Name for in-development military projects. The RX-78-2 was replaced with its spiritual and current ultimate successor, the RX-0 Gundam Unicorn, in March of 2017.
        • In 2020, Bandai defictionalized Gundarium, the Unobtainium used to make the RX-78-2 Gundam and many other mobile suits, for a limited edition model kit of the Gundam. In this case it's an alloy of titanium, aluminum, and yttrium, though unlike its original name "Luna Titanium" it doesn't use any materials from the Moon. It still costs around $2000 USD, though.
        • The same thing happened to an audio cassette that the characters "recorded" at the end of the second season.
        • And what about the technology? Japanese scientists have created metamaterials that make things invisible by refracting light around the object.
        • Not to mention any number of zanpakutō, more commonly in their shikai form (as their normal form is a simple katana with a stylized tsuba (handguard) no functionality though (Renji's is frequently sought after)
        • There's also a chatroom that's designed exactly like Durarara's chat. Unsurprisingly, a majority of the users use it to RP sex, yaoi, yuri to a far lesser extent, and to rp anime, and to rp anime-like scenarios including DRRR itself.
        • Arguably the internet group Anonymous could be seen as a real life counterpart to the Dollars.
        • In one episode, we see Kirino's Stardust Witch Meruru figure collection, which contains a Meruru Nendoroid. This was made into an upcoming Nendoroid.
        • You can buy your very own Yo-kai Watch, along with some Yo-kai Medals, as well as the Great Yokai Dictionary and the Yo-Kai Pad.
        • In the anime, Jibanyan mentions that he loves an idol group named Next Harmeowny, which later became a real group. but in Japan only, where its real name is NyAKB48.
        • Also, the chocolate bars that Jibanyan eats were made into an official product. Bandai creates new flavors of the snack every few months, such as milk and strawberry.
        • The follow-up series, ''Kirakira Happy! Open! Cocotama!" has an actual toy of the key used by Haruka.
        • They also made items based on items shown in the anime versions of the Pretty Series:
          • Pretty Rhythm only had five items, which were the Batopons from Aurora Dream, the Smart Pods the girls use in Dear My Future and Rainbow Live and the headphones and guitar used in the Rainbow Live series.
          • PriPara has many items from the show that were fictionalized, which include the file bags the girls carry their PriTickets in, the PriPass cellphones that initiate Cyalume Change, the microphones the idols use note There are five different types, which include a series of candy toys, a Gashapon set, a set of plush pencil cases, a set of Happy Meal toys based on the microphones and a battery-operated toy similar to the aforementioned Yo-Kai Watch which reads heart-shaped jewels. the Cyalume Charm, the Miracle Pact, Aroma's spellbook, Mirei's penalty tickets, the student handbook from Paparika Academy, the closet trunks, the Rosette Pact, the Cyalume Tact, the Idol Time Mic, the Idol Watch, the Idol Harp, Takki, Falulu's Non and the doll Hibiki uses to avoid embarrassing situations.
          • For Kiratto PriChan, Prism Stone Harajuku opened up a PriChan studio for fans to record videos up to 30-minutes long that will play on loop throughout the store. They also made the PriChan Casts, Yattemita Appli, Jewel Pact and Design Palette into real toys.
          • Not tangible, but History Maker (the theme song for the show) was played at the opening ceremony of the 2017 Grand Prix Final.
          • Sometimes, Lala will wear Prunce as a backpack. A fan made this form into a real backpack.
          • In episode 17, one of the pieces of Mao merchandise shown is a doll bearing her likeness. An actual Mao doll would later be produced for the show itself&loz.
          • The Tsukipro franchise is a "2.5D", real-time music and drama CD series, where the episodes happen as they're released the characters, who were originally in high school, age the scenes take place in real places etc. It's also pretty Merchandise-Driven. So this was inevitable. It's most notable with the series' mascots, a different animal for each pair of groups and a different color for each member. They've also defictionalized several plays and events that the characters have been said to perform in in the story, making them into real-life stage plays.
          • In-universe example &mdash in Planetary issue 9, "Planet Fiction", a secret lab builds a craft which can travel into a fictional world. When it returns, they discover that they've picked up a stowaway.
          • The new Musée Hergé in Louvain-la-Neuve has the same address as the Brussels flat in which Tintin lived in his early adventures: 26, rue du Labrador. (For the comic, Hergé had taken the address of his grandmother, 26, rue de Terre-Neuve (Newfoundland Street) and slightly altered it).
          • The Life Story of the Flash, ostensibly by Iris Allen. In-universe, the appearance of a copy from the future (owned by Professor Zoom, no less) let her nephew know she'd be coming Back from the Dead to write it by 1997. DC put out a Real Life version in 1998.
          • Chess Boxing was directly inspired by Froid Equateur by Enki Bilal.
          • In the German comic Werner: The beer Werner drinks, some of the vehicles, and the Horex vs. Porsche race were made into actual things.
          • Some of the worthless rubbish from the fake adverts in the British magazine Viz has been manufactured and sold in real life, even the Elvis Presley Dambusters Clock Plate of Tutankhamen.
          • In 2012 the Italian knife-maker Maserin produced a reproduction of Diabolik's iconic knife as part of the celebrations for the comic's fiftieth anniversary.
          • From Batman to real life &mdash The Wayne Foundation is an actual charity group dedicated to ending child sex trafficking. Connections to the Batman comics are deliberate, however, as Kevin Smith is a co-founder of the charity. They are using the name with the blessing of Warner Brothers.
          • S.H.I.E.L.D. from Marvel Comics is now real, as of 2021.[https://www.cbr.com/shield-real-government-program-united-states-canada/]
          • Knights of the Dinner Table:
            • The Tabletop RPGHackmaster from the gamer comic. Rather than being created from scratch, the Hackmaster rules set was actually licensed from Wizards of the Coast and was, more or less, a reprint of the D&D 1st Edition rules with a great deal more snarkiness, genre savviness, and in-universe references thrown in. All but one page of the Players Handbook was written as though this were a book being published in-universe by the Hard 8 staff, including long diatribes about using male pronouns by default as a writing convention and insisting that female dwarfs have beards. Hackmaster has now entered its second edition (or fifth, since the first edition was published as the fourth because the KODT characters were playing fourth edition in the comic at the time the system was licensed), and been seriously overhauled into a new system, as Kenzer & Co's license with Wizards expired.
            • Dawg the RPG: A failed game designed by BA in which you get to play a dog. The rules were recently published in the back half of the double-sized KODT #150.
            • The comic featured an annual event called Sadie Hawkins Day, an event where women would chase men down and forcibly marry them. To this day, schools often hold Sadie Hawkins Day dances in which female students are expected to invite boys instead of the usual arrangement. This, despite the fact that Li'l Abner went out of print over thirty years ago.
            • A Sadie Hawkins Day dance was actually a plot point in one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
            • As a matter of principle, Bill Watterson always refused any kind of merchandising. This does not stop people creating pirate products. A pair of hacks actually wrote a children's book called Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. Watterson specifically never went into detail about what happens in the book to preserve the funny vagueness.
            • On a more positive note, a few scientists have replaced the term "Big Bang" with Calvin's more accurate "Horrendous Space Kablooie" since Watterson coined the term in 1991.
            • Dagwood's dreams of opening a sandwich business have been realized as of 2006. at least by current writer Dean Young.
            • A Creepypasta story called Pokémon Lost Silver led to a homemade Pokémon game based on the experiences of the story (download).
            • The ROM hack detailed in the creepypasta Pokémon Black (a.k.a. Creepy Black or Cursed Black to differentiate it from the official game of the same name) was turned into a real hack by fans, following the story to the letter. The only thing missing is the blank black cartridge mysteriously turning up at a local flea market. so far.
            • Some of the technology detailed in Left Beyond was subsequently developed by the author, notably the handheld laser cutters and drone rover swarms. In fairness, the author was simply writing about projects under development at the time.
            • The Cool Car, Il tempo gigante of the Ivo Caprino film Pinchcliffe Grand Prix. A real Il tempo gigante car was used to promote the film, e.g. driving around the Hockenheimring between races. The car originally had an 250 hp Cadillac engine but when Niki Lauda saw it he provided them with an 7,6 ltr, 550 hp, big-block Chevrolet engine. The car also has an auxiliary jet-engine, but due to EU restrictions the vehicle is barely permitted to be used at all save for exclusive TV cameos.
            • Toy Story:
              • Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is the fictional cartoon that Buzz in Toy Story was based on. It later got turned into a real series.
              • Lightyear, a film that tells the origin story of Buzz Lightyear from the view of his fictional canon, is set to be released in 2022.
              • The Buzz Lightyear action figure was highly sought-after and implied to be impossible to lay your hands on in the film. Then it became a real figure and was initially highly sought-after and impossible to lay your hands on until mass production took over. This event was ported back into the movie world: in Toy Story 2, Tour Guide Barbie makes reference to it. Pull back to reveal an entire aisle of Buzz Lightyears.
              • It should go without saying, but just about any fictional toy in the films became a real toy, too, including the cast of Woody's Roundup, in both kid and adult collector's form. The latter becomes especially hilarious given a certain antagonist of a collector in Toy Story 2.
              • Until November 2016, a replica of Pizza Planet existed at Walt Disney World's Disney Hollywood Studios.
              • The video game that Rex plays at the beginning of Toy Story 2 was later made into a level for the tie-in video game for Toy Story 3.
              • The Sleepy Kittens book. Unfortunately though, it doesn't come with a small brush with which you can brush the kitties' fur.
              • The "it's so fluffy!" unicorn can also be had, complete with sticking out tongue.
              • Super Silly Fun Land opened in April 2014 at Universal Studios Hollywood.
              • There is actually a real-life version of the Shepherd's Journal created as a tie-in to Disney's Atlantis: The Lost Empire, as with a fake visitor's guide.
              • At Robo Games 2015, a real-life prototype of the neurocranial transmitter headband from Big Hero 6 was exhibited. It was tested by none other than Grant Imahara.
              • Wreck-It Ralph:
                • As Wreck-It Ralph is about the repentant villain of a fictional video game, it was inevitable for that fictional video game to go through the defictionalization treatment. And here it is. And then they defictionalize the concept of game jumping by having Ralph appear in Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed. And now Ralph has his own games on the Wii, DS and 3DS.
                • Somebody took the game Fix-It Felix Jr. and made it into a homebrewed video game for the Sega Genesis. There is also a Commodore 64version complete with voice clips and SID chip reinterpretations of the music.
                • And for a time at both the Starcade at Disneyland and at DisneyQuest at Disney World, there were real Fix-It Felix Jr. cabinets that guests could play - without the need to put in coins.
                • Judy's carrot pen/recorder is an actual piece of merch made for the film. And it records up to 60 seconds of audio!
                • The Dancing With Gazelle app was available online as a website (which has since then been discontinued).
                • The M41A Pulse Rifle from Alien is defictionalized by Lage under the name of MAX-41A. It's a combination of a submachine gun and a short barreled shotgun.
                • The World's End. A tour offers to do The Crawl with the pubs that were actually used in the film in Hertfordshire. There're fewer than 12, of course.
                • This happens In-Universe in the silent film Exit Smiling. Violet is a bit player in a traveling theater troupe. The troupe performs a single play, a crappy Melodrama in which the heroine has to pretend to be The Vamp in order to delay the bad guy an hour and save her lover. When Violet finds herself needing to delay the bad guy, so that she can get the man she loves cleared of embezzlement charges, she decides to enact the plot of the play in Real Life, including dressing up in the vamp's costume.
                • The creation of an entire line of Wonka-branded candies wasn't just a tie-in to the 1971 film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. In fact, the film was designed specifically to market Wonka-brand chocolates. It was funded by Quaker Oats, who had planned to make a grand entry into the candy business. Many of the signature chocolate bars from the film (and earlier book), such as "Chocolate Scrumdiddilyumptious Bars", were recreated as genuine products. Unfortunately, the formula they used caused the bars to melt on the shelves, and they had to be withdrawn from sale. However, harder sugar-based candies like Nerds and Gobstoppers (a variation on Jawbreakers) were a big hit and remain popular to this day. Even now, over forty years later, the Wonka brand and many of those products still exist (though Nestlé replaced Wonka with "Nestlé Candy Shop" in the US and the UK), no doubt buoyed by a further film adaptation of the book and subsequent reimaging of the brand.
                • James Bond:
                  • Several of the movies have inspired the CIA to create real life gadgets based on the ones seen in said movies.
                  • Spectre opens with James Bond in Mexico City on the Day of the Dead in the middle of a giant parade complete with skeleton floats. While the Day of the Dead is an old tradition, no such parade existed. until this movie came out, after which Mexican audience members loved it so much that the government decided to do it for real.
                  • The Tarot deck used by Solitaire in Live and Let Die was designed specifically for the film by artist Fergus Hall. It was later sold briefly as the 007 deck before being renamed as the Tarot of the Witches.
                  • "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans" was incarnated into the real world by the good if twisted folks at JellyBelly as part of the promotional build-up to the film version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. It helped that they'd already made plenty of bizarre jelly bean flavors &mdash all they had to do was make all the gross ones. A lot of the gross ones are actually discarded, legitimate, if not failed attempts at making good flavors &mdash the vomit flavouring, for instance, was originally meant to be pizza.
                  • Chocolate Frogs and Caramel Flies now exist as well, although the frogs are just Pop Rocks in a frog-shaped shell, which come with holographic trading cards.
                  • In another Harry Potter reference, King's Cross train station in London now has a sign for "Platform 9 3/4", as well as a luggage cart half-embedded in a brick wall at which tourists can take pictures. One can only imagine how many impressionable young children have run head-first into that wall, expecting to emerge in wizardville.
                  • The Muggle world now has The Tales of Beedle the Bard, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (now itself a major motion picture!), and Quidditch Through the Ages.
                  • In most of the DVD cases for the movies released in the US there's a small leaflet with merchandise you can buy, like replicas of the wands.
                  • "Muggle Quidditch" is now playable on college campuses. (The part of the Snitch has to be played by a small fast-running student in a yellow T-shirt.) There's even a movement for it to become an NCAA-sanctioned sport. You can't make this up, folks.
                  • The life-size vibrating replica broomsticks. Not like those are likely to be repurposed&loz.
                  • A lot of Harry Potter products, like pumpkin juice and butterbeer, have now gotten their own official defictionalizations since the opening of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter areas at the Universal Studios parks.
                  • With the launch of Pottermore, you can now be officially sorted into a Hogwarts House by a questionnaire designed by JK Rowling herself. And now you can also be sorted into an Ilvermorny house.
                  • In November 2007, Brawndo "the thirst mutilator", a fictional brand of energy drink which appeared in the film, became a real product released by Omni Consumer Products, complete with ridiculously over-the-top ads. (''It's like having sex with a tractor trailer in a parking lot!'')
                  • The TruTV series It Only Hurts When I Laugh is an everything-but-the-name Defictionalization of Ow, My Balls!.
                  • The mock band Spinal Tap became a real band (performed by the actors from the movie), and have released three albums, toured the world and performed on multiple television shows. Sometimes their support band was The Folksmen, the spoof folk band, played by the same actors, who appeared in the film A Mighty Wind.
                  • Several producers of amplifiers and other audio equipment have calibrated the dials on their products to go Up to Eleven.
                  • One of the members appeared in an ad for an amp that went up to 20. 'cos that's 9 louder innit!&loz
                  • The multicoloured caps from Back to the Future Part II have undergone several rounds of production.
                  • Nike produced the Hyperdunk shoe, designed after the Air McFly. And now they've filed patents for self-lacing Nikes.
                    • Nike released the Air MAG, which copies the look of the shoes down to the lights. The ads explain it doesn't have autolaces since they were released in 2011, not 2015.
                    • The patent for self-lacing shoes was not a red herring, Nike released a limited number of self-lacing pairs on Oct. 21, 2015. They were auctioned off for Parkinson's research.
                    • Stay Puft Marshmallows from Ghostbusters became a real product.
                    • The iconic Ghostbusters theme song by Ray Parker Jr. also serves as their theme song in-universe, presumably as a catchy commercial jingle. Parker himself said he found the inspiration for the song from hearing commercial songs. In fact, several businesses have used the tune to promote themselves.
                    • The firefighters at Hook & Ladder 8, the iconic New York City firehouse which was used as the Ghostbusters' headquarters in exterior shots, have adapted a modified version of the Ghostbusters "No Ghost" logo as their own the cartoon ghost (now wearing firefighting gear) can be seen on their vehicles as well as painted on the sidewalk in front of the building. They also still have the prop sign from Ghostbusters II hanging on display in their garage.
                    • Fans everywhere create their own Ghostbusters files, ranging from the 50 states to some foreign countries (though a few make sure to put a disclaimer on their website that they cannot do paranormal stuff exactly like the movie).
                    • For Ghostbusters (2016), Erin and Abby's book "Ghosts of our Past" is available for sale (the Amazon.com author pages shown in the movie are even on the actual site), as is Tobin's Spirit Guide.
                    • Furbies are arguably defictionalized mogwai. Hasbro and Warner Bros. came to an agreement about the similarities between the two, and a "Gizmo: Friend of Furby" doll was released.
                    • YouTuber wileyk209zbackrecreated the fire alarm from Gremlins 2: The New Batch.
                    • Somebody also made a playable version of the game Josh plays early in the movie. It's almost 100% accurate to the movie, in that it's only one screen long and all you can do is fool around with the text parser until either the wizard kills you or you figure out the one command ( "THROW POD" ) that defeats him. Still: neat, huh?
                    • One of which, corundum, with the formula of Al2O3, is better known as rubies and sapphires. Aluminum Oxynitride may be a better fit, though, being entirely synthetic.
                    • This is odd, since the description in The Phantom Menace suggests that "midichlorian" is a collective term for mitochondria and plastids.
                    • Various fans have naturally created varying replicas of the lightsaber. Physicist Michio Kaku went one step further and created a design for a functional replica of the lightsaber using real world materials and processes still in development. It's essentially a powerful plasma torch with a portable power supply using a theoretical super high capacity carbon nanotube battery. It's expected to be out in 50 years. As of January 2016, a functional lightsaber is now a thing, although it's less of a lightsaber and more of a lighter shaped like a lightsaber. And by December 2019, a practical lightsaber that can actually be used for cutting things has finally become a reality. This version is based on the Protosaber, a prototype lightsaber powered by an external portable battery box.
                    • Even the Jedi have been gaining real-life followers. We're dead serious. And this is just one sect of it.
                    • A real-life R2-D2 robot was made for The Force Awakens, and a fully-functional BB-8 was officially made after.
                    • The police offices constructed in Union Station, Los Angeles for the filming of the movie still stand today, in use as station offices. The crew was able to get a little bit of a discount if Union Station officials agreed to keep the set for practical use after filming was over.
                    • Some cities, particularlyShanghai, look more and more like Blade Runner every year.
                    • Deckard's revolver, the prop of which is built around a firing revolver, is a popular custom project for gun smiths. Adam Savage has built numerous attempts to replicate it perfectly.
                    • A subversion happened when Ben & Jerry's said they wouldn't release the "Stark Raving Hazelnuts" and "Hunka Hulk Burning' Fudge" flavors discussed in Avengers: Infinity War (and with the latter featured in Avengers: Endgame), but fans still try to make said ice cream themselves.
                    • A fan of the film, Brian Jones, purchased the original house used for the film and designed it to look like the original sets as accurately as possible. He took it even further and created a gift shop where you can buy every single prop in the film.
                    • The memetically awesome website, a site for the park instead of the film. It has such features as information on the park itself (such as a map, pages describing the attractions, info on the park's dinosaurs, etc.), schedules for attractions and wait times, the time of day, the current temperature and climate, a live webcam of the park and&mdashas of the film's official release&mdasha brief "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties" message. The Facebook page also acted as one for the park for a while.
                    • The Jurassic World "snap bands", which were used to identify park guests in the film.
                    • An official Jurassic World "guidebook" of sorts entitled "The Park is Open" (though it's marketed as a children's sticker book), which also comes with Jurassic World visitor passes.
                    • A Jurassic World brochure distributed by Best Buy and Samsung, along with some really neat trading cards.
                    • A few things in Discworld had since been turned into actual products. These include the Where's My Cow?? and The World of Poo children's books, and various badges (City Watch, Guilds, Überwald Blood Donor Group. )
                      • The stamps introduced in Going Postal, and mentioned in later books. Which now exist, complete with sports, rare limited editions and a quarterly magazine for "flatalists".
                      • Pterry mentions an example himself in the Author's Note to Wintersmith: a group of fans who danced the Dark Morris for him in Chicago.
                      • The card game Cripple Mr. Onion has been turned into a playable game by fans. Several times over, in fact, because the rules seen in the books are vague enough to allow for a lot of interpretation.
                      • You can also buy Nanny Ogg's Cookbook. Not entirely defictionalization, as this is not the same book as the one she wrote in Maskerade, which was called The Joye of Snackes.
                      • You can get the Thud game. Thud was based on real life Tafl Games, although the rules were altered a bit. And the game appeared in real life first and then got added to the books.
                      • Terry Pratchett's coat of arms contains an Egyptian cross and an owl (compare Ankh-Morpork coat of arms), as well as the motto "Noli timere messorem", or "Do not fear the reaper" (compare Mort's motto in Latatian, "Non timetis messor") and two books in red (i.e. "read").
                      • In a lesser case, an Ice-9 was discovered, even if not as lethal as the one from Cat's Cradle.
                      • It's quite easy to obtain Miskatonic University attire. Go Cephalopods!
                      • The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society has some very impressive reproductions of assortedblasphemousidols, pages from the Necronomicon, and Professor Angell's Box, a very expensive, detailed and exhaustively complete copy of the box of documents and props from "The Call of Cthulhu".
                      • The Necronomicon is listed in the Ohio University Library card catalog. L. Sprague de Camp, fantasy author and linguist, acted as Abdul Alhazred's "translator".
                      • There are even a few published books calling themselves the Necronomicon. Most are little more than black-magic occultism books that will make passing references to Cthulhu at best, and no reference to Lovecraft at all at worst. The most famous is the Simon Necronomicon, but one that is closest to what the fictional Necronomicon contained is probably Necronomicon: the Wanderings of Alhazred, as written by occult writer Donald Tyson.
                      • In the novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, the protagonists create a comic book series called The Escapist. Then a 6-issue miniseries came out, printing various comic book stories from The Escapist, from the '40s through the present, with explanatory articles by real important figures in the comic book world, about the series' various publishers, and its place in the changing trends and values in the history of comics.
                      • Telegraph Avenue had a record store featured in the book defictionalised as part of the book's advertising campaign. An article on the campaign even cites this page.
                      • They were Cannonized. Ba-dum tiss.
                      • Fan-made recipes for the series' "Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster" drink have been circulating since the start.
                      • When the Kindle was released with full web access, especially access to That Other Wiki, most people understood that meant The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had been truly defictionalized. XKCD points this out. Also, some people went and customized their Kindle to look more like the 'real' thing.
                      • The film Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down is in a strangely similar format.
                      • The Dream Park, a holographic LARPing theme park, was built as a fan-created corporation intended to establish the titular park. The organization unfortunately went bankrupt in 1999.
                      • The novel's game-regulating organization, the IFGS, actually has been Defictionalized into a LARPing club that stages its games outdoors.
                      • The nerdfighters have made real-life versions of many things in it, like go-fast bars and the shopping list, as partially documented in thisVlogBrothers episode.
                      • Also, Omnictionary was once made into a real website it was a wiki for John Green and the activities and history of Nerdfighteria, although it's now disbanded.
                      • In the mid-2000s Scholastic sold a version of the 3D Hypno Ring from Captain Underpants through their Scholastic Book Club Service. It even included an owner's manual with the warning not to dump water on the head of a hypnotized person.
                      • The series includes a fair amount of Food Porn, so naturally some of its more interesting foodstuffs have been manufactured in the real world, including Butterbeer, Chocolate Frogs, and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
                      • J.K. Rowling wrote and published real-life versions of the fictional booksFantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Quidditch Through the Ages and The Tales of Beedle the Bard
                      • Quidditch, originally a fictional sport exclusive to the series, recently became a real thing in 2005 when it was played in a Middlebury, Vermont game, though it became known as Muggle Quidditch to distinguish it from the fictional version. Then in 2015, a new [semi]-professional league was born under the name of Major League Quidditch, which is played primarily in the Midwestern and Northeastern U.S., but also has teams in the Deep South and Ontario, Canada.
                      • The sitcom B.o.B was a show about Bob McKay, a man who created a Silver Age comic book character called "Mad Dog," which was revived and "reinvisioned" for the '90s. During the run of the show, Marvel Comics published a double covered comic book called "Mad Dog" that was one half the 50s version, and the other half the 90s, with things like an "Ask Bob McKay" feature in the middle.
                      • iCarly, of course, has the website from the show itself a recent addition to its list of merchandise is Sam's Laugh Track remote. In addition, some people have begun making their very own spaghetti tacos after seeing them on the show.
                      • In one episode of Lizzie McGuire, Lizzie was inspired to spend more time with her mother after reading a novel titled The Orchids and Gumbo Poker Club for a school assignment. Disney later published an actual novel with that title, with notes from Lizzie included in the margins.
                      • Hannah Montana had a real concert tour in the late 2000s. It was a sold out tour that actually lead to a couple lawsuits against ticket scalpers! The concert tied into the Hannah Montana show because some of the footage from the tour was used in the second season. The concert featured Hannah for the first half, and Miley Stewart (who had no problem revealing her secret in front of tens of thousands of people, but the audience knows that since they've seen the show) for the second half. The concert was released as a movie after the tour in 2008, and a real movie based on the show was made in 2009.
                      • Emergency! was centered on Los Angeles County Fire Department Station 51. The number was chosen because the LA Co FD didn't have one. (The one appearing on-screen was actually Station 127 in Carson.) In 1994, the County fire station at Universal City &mdash site of Universal Studios Hollywood &mdash was changed from 60 to 51 in honor of the show.
                      • Sonny with a Chance:
                        • Mackenzie Falls, one of the Shows Within A Show featured on Sonny, later became real (though as a short series that aired between commercials).
                        • So Random! as a real life show happened as well. In fact, one commercial actually referred to it as The Show Within a Show that's now its own show. note In fairness, this was mostly because Sonny's actor had to leave their own show to get treated for various psychological problems, thus ending the series proper. but with one thing that never got resolved (If Sonny and Chad ever reconciled and got back together).
                        • Sonny also had a Halloween Special and a Christmas Special, both of which were actual So Random episodes. (The only bit of the Sonny show was in the afformentioned Halloween episode when they try to find the guest host to show up on the said episode.)
                        • Kamen Rider Double has the radio show Healing Princess, which has actually been released on TV Asahi's website and has even been fansubbed. They are also marketing real-world copies of the heroes' clothing, complete with the Windscale designer's imprint. Naturally, the belts for all the riders can be bought. Some series even have a 1:1 scale replica made for adult fans under Bandai's "Complete Selection Modification" series of belts.
                        • Kamen Rider OOO follows in its predecessor's footsteps with the flowery boxers that the titular Rider wears in-show.
                        • In Kamen Rider Ex-Aid, the lead hero uses a video game called Mighty Action X, a Kirby-esque platformer, as his Transformation Trinket. To promote the show, Mighty Action X was released on the Japanese Nintendo 3DS eShop as a downloadable title for players who purchased the 1st print of All Kamen Rider: Rider Revolution. There's also a version of the Buggle Driver Zwei with a trapped Bugster!Dan Kuroto in its display released as a Premium Bandai exclusive.
                        • Kendall Hart's book, Charm!, was also released as a real book.
                          • And in-universe, Kendall's book described a perfume made by her Author Avatar. A fan requested it at a book signing, and Kendall and her team set about to making it.
                          • In How William Shatner Changed the World, Motorola chief engineer and inventor of the cell phone Martin Cooper states that he invented the cell phone because he wanted a real life Star Trek communicator.
                            • Plus there's a licensed communicator replica that actually works as a VOIP phone.
                            • Also, hackers have created and circulated plans to turn a toy communicator into a working bluetooth phone.
                            • An Android smartphone developer known as moonblink made a Tricorder app which used the phone's built-in GPS, microphone, wifi, and other functionality to actually scan for and detect magnetic fields, sound levels, and so on. All was well and fans had defictionalized tricorders, until CBS made them take the app down.
                            • Real tricorders are being developed again.
                            • It's amazing how many people think the doors in the original 1960s show were real. In fact, they were worked by stage hands.
                            • And if they trade in the iPhones for iPads, Playbooks, Galaxy Tab, or some other tablet, they've now got a perfect real-life example of a PADD, right down to the size.
                            • A German Trekker has made a Rainmeter skin that will turn your device into a semi-functional PADD in that, in addition to looking like a piece of Starfleet technology, it is a functional interface for using the device.
                            • Muffin tops are finally available for sale, in the frozen breakfast aisle. In fact, muffin top pans can be bought at many stores, and many bakeries also sell muffin tops as well.
                            • Aluminum poles to celebrate Festivus are available for sale as well (although selling them does seem to go against the spirit of the holiday).
                            • They've also released three new Derrick Storm books which are set after Storm Fall (the book where Castle killed off Derrick). One of them is actually a crossover with Nikki Heat (called Heat Storm to fit with the the Epunymous Title naming conventions used for both series).
                            • Plans are in place to adapt the Derrick Storm novel series as a TV series of its own, which takes the defictionalization to a whole new meta (defictionalizing a book that later gets adapted as its own fictional work on TV).
                            • Tek Jansen has been made into a real comic by Oni Press, an independent comic company. One can argue that the original prose novel which served as the first appearances of Tek Jensen (with an outdated character design of Colbert photoshopped in a spacesuit) has not been released, so there is no true defictionalization yet.
                            • The Colbert Report itself began as a series of fake trailers on The Daily Show they originally had no intention of actually making a spinoff. The trailers rip off The O'Reilly Factor even more than the actual show does. Jon was quite baffled.
                            • Vince Gilligan was asked, "Is there really such a thing as Blue crystal meth?" He responded, "There is now."
                            • SaveWalterWhite.com is an actual website. The donation button at the bottom of the page once linked to the National Cancer Coalition's website where visitors could donate to them, but the link was replaced with one to the official Breaking Bad website after the NCC was named one of the worst charities in America.
                            • The shows resident wacky guy/lech Barney proudly proclaimed that there was a written Bro Code, that all Bros must follow. An actual written version was released into book stores. Also available are "Bro on the Go" and "The Playbook".
                            • Pretty much every website that the show mentions has been set up before airing by the showrunners.
                            • Robin's music videos from her "Robin Sparkles" Canadian teen idol days were only seen in excerpts in the show, but are available in full online (and are awesomely bad) at Robin Sparkle's MySpacepage.
                            • "Ted Mosby is a Jerk!", which includes a 22-minute song about how horrible Ted (actually, Barney using his name) was to the woman who made the webpage.
                            • Barney Stinson's Video Resume (sponsored by Barney's fictional employer Goliath National Bank), which is available in both "awesome" and "not-as-awesome" resolutions. They're not wrong. It's awesome!
                            • http://www.guyforceshiswifetodressinagarbagebagforthenextthreeyears.com, which is basically Exactly What It Says on the Tin. Along with being one of the longest of Long URLs.
                            • Lily And Marshall Sell Their Stuff was a real-life charity auction of How I Met Your Mother swag. Sadly now defunct.
                            • CanadianSexActs.Org, which includes every single act mentioned in the show, complete with an age verification system, bilingual warnings from the Canadian government about content, and a disclaimer regarding "any possible physical or emotional trauma suffered as a result of undertaking any of the acts described". The links for each act are hilarious. Every link is to a different picture of Alan Thicke (of Growing Pains) captioned with a variety of "sorry, we're experiencing technical difficulties" explanations in exaggerated Canadian English
                            • There was a Slap Countdown too, counting down to the Slapsgiving episode, but honestly it was just a timer so it was pretty boring.
                            • itwasthebestnightever.com, which is hilarious.
                            • The novel Bad Twin is supposedly written by a passenger in the plane crash which occurred in the pilot episode. Remember the guy who got sucked into the airplane engine before it blew up? That's supposed to be him.
                            • Apollo Candy Bars were released in the real world.
                            • The show's fictitious band Geronimo Jackson had a single, "Dharma Lady", released on iTunes.
                            • "You All Everybody" (the single that Drive Shaft, Charlie's band, wrote) and "Dharma Lady" have both been adopted into DLC for Rock Band.
                            • In a recent large multi-state lottery, over 26,000 players across the United States played Hurley's cursed winning lottery numbers, which while not winning the jackpot did match enough of the drawn digits to win them each $150. Jorge Garcia, who played Hurley, good-naturedly congratulated the winners on their "cursed" winnings on his blog.
                            • Tubby Custard was available in the U.S. as well as part of a Burger King promotion for the show. It was pretty much just vanilla pudding with pink food coloring.
                            • There ARE companies making powered exoskeletons in real life. The two leading models are Raytheon Sarcos' XOS, which deliberately played up the Iron Man connection by holding a press conference about the XOS-2 on the day Iron Man 2 was released to DVD, with a member of the movie's cast present, and Lockheed Martin's HULC. So far, they have been made with intent of aiding with heavy lifting, not direct combat, and cannot fly.
                            • Also, the "Screaming Viking" is now a real drink.
                            • Charlie's ridiculous stage play "The Nightman Cometh" proved so popular that the gang staged it in real life in 2009 and took it on a six city sold-out tour.
                            • People have also come up with recipes for Charlie's favorite foods, the Grilled Charlie and milk steak. And yes, there are also recipes to make Rum Ham (not to be confused with the existing recipe for wimpy rum-glazed ham).
                            • Ladies and gentlemen,I present you with Dicktowel.com. Very NSFW
                            • Also, replicas of Michael's iconic "World's best boss" mug are sold by NBC as official merchandise.
                            • Dwight Schrute's bobble head figure of himself can be bought as well as bobble heads of the whole main cast.
                            • In the episode "The Chump", mention of a fictional video game, Rock Band: Billy Joel, made one Entertainment Weekly reviewer comment that "let's hope that never gets made". In a Take That!, Billy Joel contacted Harmonix Music Systems, the makers of Rock Band, insisting they include his songs within the game, which Harmonix was very happy to oblige.
                            • The personal soundtrack shirt, the periodic table shower curtain, and Sheldon's The Flash t-shirt available on ThinkGeek.
                            • Apparently, fans have also created a real-life version of the "Mystic Warlords of Ka'a" tabletop game that was featured in a few episodes of the show.
                            • A Christmas Episode featured the characters drinking a beer called "Theakston's Christmas Ale." Theakston is a real brewery in England, but they never produced a specific Christmas beer - until fans of the show started ringing up trying to order it and they decided it would obviously make money.
                            • Bert The Farting Hippo.
                            • To promote Johnny Cash's "One Piece At A Time", a Tennessee auto-parts supplier re-created the jerry-built Cadillac&loz described in the song.
                            • Animusic originally created its "Pipe Dream" video as a CGI visualization, but Intel has made a functional version of the devices in the video, down to having notes play when launched balls strike the appropriate keys.
                            • Toad the Wet Sprocket took their name from a fictional band discussed in a "Rock Notes" segment of a Monty Python album. Eric Idle, the author of the segment, once said that he nearly drove off the road when he heard the band mentioned on the radio.
                            • In a similar manner, Heaven 17 are one of the fictional bands mentioned in A Clockwork Orange. A real band of the same name would form in 1980.
                            • Gakupo, a voice synthesizer program, was based on the likeliness and voice samples from Japanese Singer Gackt. Then Nico Nico held a Vocaloid contest hosted by Gackt, where they asked him to sing the winning songs, Episode.0 and Paranoid doll. Gackt not only remixed Episode.0, but he also recreated the original Episode 0 video with the pictures of Gakupo replaced with pictures of Gackt dressed as Gakupo. And here's the version featuring Gackt dressed as a program based of himself.
                            • The band Gorillaz originally existed solely as animated characters, but through CGI coupled with a clever projection system was able to make several "live" appearances.
                              • The human band behind the cartoon characters have taken to openly performing as Gorillaz without the fictional trappings, save for some looped Gorillaz cartoons in their video wall.
                              • His song The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota was about an actual giant ball of twine in said state however, it didn't feature "Welcome to the Twineball: Wish You Were Here" postcards or a "Twineball Inn" until he sang about them.
                              • The over-the-top subject of his parody song "Frank's 2000-Inch TV" was defictionalized in 2009 when the Dallas Cowboys installed a pair of 2150 inch TV s in their new stadium.
                              • Members of tool had a cameo in the show as the fictional band Puscifer. Years later, Tool lead singer Maynard James Keenan used the name for his solo projects.
                              • Two sketches in the show include a rapper named Professor Murder. A dance-punk band would later take the name as a reference to the show.
                              • The third volume of Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross' score for Watchmen (2019) gives a fictional discography of NIN's counterparts in the show's universe, The Nine Inch Nails. One of the releases mentioned in the discography, the EP Heresy, was defictionalized and released in June of 2020, this time full of remixes of songs from The Downward Spiral.
                              • Season 2 of Within the Wires sees the creation of official merchandise of in-universe painter Claudia Atieno's work, a large art print styled and labeled with fictional exhibition details as though it were sold in a museum gift shop. Real-life artist Jessica Hayworth creates "An art print of Claudia Atieno's "Child and Damselfly" from the Karikari Contemporary Gallery," an impressionistic work described in a donor-exclusive Bonus Episode #0.
                              • Aside from Fray Tormenta, in 1965 EMLL decided to make Mil Máscaras, a character created specifically for movies, into a gimmick used by an actual luchador. This was also the origin of Huracán Ramirez.
                              • There is an anime and manga from the 1960s called Tiger Mask whose title character is a pro wrestler (he inspired the creation of both King and Armor King from Tekken). The character was so popular that he became a real life wrestler at Korean and then Japanese wrestling events. He has been played by a few different people.
                                • The same is true of Jushin Thunder Liger, named (and kind of modeled) after an anime series from the late 80s.
                                • Band Waggon, a BBC Radio comedy from the 1930s, featured a fictional cleaning product called Askitoff (slogan: Askitoff Will Take It Off), named after the star, Arthur Askey. Askey was prohibited from taking advantage of this new brand name by his BBC contract, but this didn't stop an unofficial product reaching the marketplace within weeks.
                                • Radio Norwich used to be a spoof radio station which employed Alan Partridge. In 2006, a real commercial station named 99.9 Radio Norwich was launched (and still exists as of 2012).
                                • After Jean Shepherd kept urging his radio listeners to buy the imaginary novel "I, Libertine" by "Frederick R. Ewing", the demand was so great that Ballantine hired Theodore Sturgeon to actually write it.
                                • The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer, an ever-so-helpful handbook given to members of the ImperialGuard in Warhammer 40,000, is actually available for purchase. It's filled with the amount of propaganda, disinformation, and blatant lies that you'd expect for the setting ("while sneaking up on the enemy, recite the Litany of Stealth to reduce your chances of being heard"). Also the lengthy "Blessing of the Bomb", to be recited after pulling the pin of a grenade but before throwing it to ensure accuracy.
                                • White Wolf has produced a few published versions of Fictional Documents (Chronicles of the Black Labyrinth for Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Rites of the Dragon for Vampire: The Requiem, etc.), game symbols (clan pins for Vampire: The Masquerade, tribal glyph necklaces for Werewolf, and clan and covenant pins for Requiem), and even Tarot decks (one for Ascension, and one for Awakening) for its Worlds of Darkness. The darker materials above and many others were released under the label "Black Dog," White Wolf's in-universe analogue of themselves in Old World of Darkness (a subsidiary of Pentex, of course &mdash so they naturally produce role-playing games that actually have the effects on children that Jack Chick warns of).
                                  • White Wolf's Arthaus, like TSR before it, also produced Tarokka decks like those used by the Vistani of Ravenloft. Though intended as game props, some people have used them as a Tarot substitute in actual attempts at fortune-telling.
                                  • Similarly, the Harrow deck from Paizo has been printed, and there are versions of the Deck of Illusions for sale.
                                  • It is possible to buy a Bag of Holding. (Nondimentional space not included)
                                  • Sadly, perhaps the most prominent and significant of these in the setting, The Broken-Winged Crane, only exists as a PDF containing material that should have been in Manual of Exalted Power: Infernals, but had to be cut for word count reasons.
                                  • In 1968, Hot Wheels came up with their first original car design, the Twin Mill, which became available one year later. 33 years later, a life-sized Twin Mill was built. And not only a mere prop, but a fully driveable automobile, actually propelled by that pair of supercharged 502cui Chevy Big Blocks with something between 700 and 900bhp each.
                                  • One couple converted their van into a life-size transforming robot.
                                  • In A3, the website of the Mankai Company was noted to be quite the design-mess, with rainbows and lazy editing by the wharf. As from November 8, 2019, the actual domain name is registered, and the site is just like it's described in the game. This is to such an extent that the term 'Kazunari Miyoshi' note the character who reformed the web page into a decent-looking, modern homepage became trending topic on Twitter in Japan.
                                  • The Saw Cleaver from Bloodborneis now a thing.
                                  • Global Defense Initiatives is not the real-life version of the United Nations GDI featured in Command & Conquer: Tiberian Series. They are a maker of "mount interface devices for use with optical, laser aiming, illumination, night vision, and thermal imaging systems".
                                  • Another special edition came with a pip-boy alarm clock that could actually be worn. (for those wishing to emulate the Vault Dweller)
                                  • The card game Caravan is an invention of the Fallout: New Vegas developers, but can also be played in real life since it uses a standard deck of 52 playing cards.
                                  • ED-E's alert jingle is available as a cellphone ringtone.
                                  • The special edition of Fallout 4 includes a defictionalized Pip-Boy. If you install the Pip-Boy app on your phone, sync it to your game, and slot your phone into the Pip-Boy, you can actually access your in-game Pip-Boy from outside the game!
                                  • After release they made a mini fridge patterned after the games distinctive Nuka-Cola machines.
                                  • Since the original game, the Fallout-games have had have featured an anti-radiation drug called Rad-X. Much later, when a real anti-radiation drug was invented by Onconova Therapeutics, they dubbed it Ex-Rad.
                                  • Someoneactually made strawberry tofu and Shigesato Itoi tried it. He wasn't fond of the end result.
                                  • At one point of the game, Orange Kid mentions an invention he's creating that will turn boiled eggs back into raw eggs. This is a real thing now.
                                  • Papa Louie Arcade has real-life "Flipdecks", which were online cards available for viewing on Flipline Studios' website for a number of years.
                                  • Flipline Studios announced in 2014 that they were building a real-life Papa's Taco Mia!, like the one in their 2011 game. Later it was revealed that it was an April Fools' joke .
                                  • The Final Fantasy VII edition actually worked as a fairly decent energy drink during conventions. There are tales though of the legendary medicine taste of the Final Fantasy XII edition still floating around the internet. The Dissidia version tastes like flat Dr Pepper (23!) with a strong aftertaste of persimmon.
                                  • Thinkgeek sells both health and mana potions.
                                  • The in-world xenophilia porn magazine Fornax can actually be found on various hentai sites around the internet now. Rule 34 in action, folks.
                                  • Inverted with the N7 hoodie, a real-life outfit based on Shepard's armor, which is available for Shepard him/herself in the Collector's Edition of Mass Effect 3.
                                  • Mary Kirby has also arranged for copies of the book to be "autographed" by Varric, addressing the recipient by a unique nickname, which reflects Varric's in-universe role as The Nicknamer. Some of these went to her fellow Bioware employees, including Patrick and Karin Weekes, who shared images of their autographs on Twitter at least one went to a Dragon Agefan fiction author.
                                  • For a very brief time after the game released, you could buy Squall's entire outfit&mdashpants, jacket, and Griever necklace.
                                  • Team Fortress 2 merchandise includes Plushie Stickybombs, recreations of the Mann Co and RED Team Ellis Caps, the Sandvich poster seen in Meet the Sandvich and BONK! shirts that parody the common Mountain Dew/Coca Cola shirt. And now they have a fully-mobile Level 1 Sentry prop in their building though they (thankfully) don't have enough metal to reload or upgrade it.
                                  • Dummied Out content for Portal 2 co-op involves a Garfield-like comic strip called Dorfeldt. The changes to the strip GLaDOS mentions were made into Square Root of Minus Garfield#1659.
                                  • There even exists replicas of the Evoker carried by SEES members. If you're willing to splurge, there's also an officially made one too. (It's a water gun!)
                                  • There are also toy PETs, one of MegaMan.EXE and one of ProtoMan.EXE, as well as Transers, one for each of the first games.
                                  • Special edition copies of The Phantom Pain came with a replica of Snake's bionic arm. Unfortunately, only the Japanese version is scaled to real life.
                                  • The red, blue and green potions sell at Fry's Electronics. The guitar used in Majora's Mask exists, and works. It's called the Zoraxe. They didn't make that many, if more than one, and you'll probably pay more than you did for your house.
                                  • Hylianexists as a full-fledged language.
                                  • Link's scarf from Hyrule Warriors was made as a pre-order bonus in Japan, Europe, and the Nintendo World store in New York. Level Up Studios also has one, produced by Ruffneck Scarves.
                                  • Also the handmade Big Daddy dolls held by the Little Sisters.
                                  • You can also buy Hecatia Lapislazuli's infamous t-shirt, in both men's and women's.
                                  • Blitzcrank, the Great Steam Golem, runs a dating agency in-universe known as Blitzcrank's Fleshing Compatibility Service. A simplified version is available on the game's website. (It's a good thing it was simplified, because apparently the original version used a 748-entry questionnaire and full thermal body scanning. It was still deemed worth it in-universe to avoid hooking up with a psychotic necromancer, which in Valoran is a very real possibility.)
                                  • In addition, Sanshee.com has released real versions of the plushies that first appeared in the iOS port of the first game, then went on to appear in the sequels. So far, Foxy,Freddy and Bonnie have been made, with Chica, Golden Freddy and "Possessed Fredbear" not far behind.
                                  • Several apps for Apple's iOS devices turn it into a functional Pokédex, and do just about everything but talk. And in fact, even that problem was removed when Wolfram Alpha, an information search engine used by the iOS's Siri, added in Pokédex data to its database. So you can indeed ask Siri how tall Xerneas is, and get an answer.
                                    • Two official versions were released by Nintendo for the 3DS: the original Pokédex 3D (Unova Dex), and the Pokédex 3D Pro (all 649 at the time).
                                    • In the epilogue of the game, Mettaton mentions making buttons, posters and shirts with his face on them. Then he says making Toriel plushes. Guess what happened. Unfortunately, they don't have Mettaton's face on them like he said.
                                    • The Splattershot exists in real life. It shoots water rather than ink, but it otherwise is identical.
                                    • The Squid Sisters and Off the Hook have performed live concerts using a similar projection technique to Hatsune Miku and Gorillaz.
                                    • Zero Escape:
                                      • There were pre-order bonuses for all three games that were the watches/bracelets the characters in the game wore.
                                      • To commemorate the announcement of Zero Time Dilemma, a real life escape room has been designed after the game. For a limited time, fans can participate in a light version of the Nonary Game.
                                      • Monokuma plushies aren't just for sale, there are multiple places selling ones of various quality from spot-on to shoddy. It's probably only a matter of time before someone sticks a walking drone in one. Additionally, cosplays for just about everyone are easily purchased online and some of them can easily be used in any outfit, like Naegi's hoodie.
                                      • Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony gives us an in-universe example pertaining to the true mastermind. The killing game is an in-universe defictionalization of Danganronpa as a reality show, which is now in its 53rd season.
                                      • Homestar Runner:
                                        • Fake Band Limozeen held a live performance. It included a guest appearance by Schenkel McDoo, the fictional lead singer of Taranchula, another Fake Band in the Homestar Runner universe.
                                        • Before that, Strong Bad's song "Trogdor" and Limozeen's hit song "Because, It's Midnite" appeared in Guitar Hero II and Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks The Eighties respectively (the CD containing the songs was actually released in 2003).
                                        • Strong Bad has long used a lighter with the BMW logo on it. At the time, there was no such lighter in real life, but BMW would later give their license for BMW lighters, very likely due to Strong Bad's influence.
                                        • On April Fool's Day 2015, Strong Bad briefly discussed this trope in a parody of the ThinkGeek example (See "Web Original").
                                        • Bungie even went so far as to make the underground segment to an additional map, Sandpit, to the exact specifications of the original Grifball arena. Grifball is also extremely popular as a weekend playlist in matchmaking there are even official leagues!
                                          • Hell, in Halo: Reach, it became an official game-type, with its own icon and Announcer line!
                                          • Rooster Teeth made a couple of clothing items seen on the show into actual merchandise, such as Ruby's pajama pants, Nora's Boop shirt and Jaune's Pumpkin Pete Hoodie. Not to mention actual Pumpkin Pete cereal, with Pyrrha on the box.
                                          • Professor Ozpin created a book called Fairy Tales of Remnant about stories from all over the world of Remnant, and made it part of the curricula of the Huntsmen Academies. Fairy tales are important in the show because they contain clues about the secret history of Remnant that only a select few individuals know. Rooster Teeth published the book as Professor Ozpin's personal copy, including notes he's made about each fairy tale, both to contribute to world-building and to drop plot-significant clues about the main show.
                                          • A good half of the products in the MegaTokyo store were actually items worn by the characters in the comic. Piro comments in the first Megatokyo book how no one was really sure what Largo's "cool thing" purchase was. Dom comments, "When we do, it'll be on our online store in less than two weeks. God bless America."
                                          • Achewood has two short stories "written" by character Nice Pete, as well as six issues of Roast Beef's 'zine and greeting cards (from this storyline) in the shop. Phoneballs exist now, though they seem to have been created independently of the Achewood strips.
                                          • The creators of Erfworld created a website for Hamstard, which was Parson Gotti's So Bad, It's Good (deliberately in its real world incarnation) webcomic before he got plotted into Erfworld. It's actually been up since before the comic that shows it was posted &mdash hasn't been updated since then either. Presumably it'll get some fresh content when (if) he makes it back to the "real world".
                                          • In Chapter 150 of The Last Days Of Fox Hound, it shows what appears to be a LiveJournal account for Dr. Naomi Hunter detailing her activities, then it shows Ocelot reading that journal. Well, guess what. the journal actually exists
                                          • xkcd:
                                            • That Other Wiki has an impressively large list of life imitating xkcd.
                                            • After a joke about Rule 34, the author (and some, ahem, artistically-minded fans) went on to create a tongue-in-cheek site of guitar-in-shower porn.
                                            • When a gag hinged upon stupid YouTube comments being read back to the authors, YouTube responded by adding an audio preview.
                                            • Probably the most famous is Chesscoaster, inspired by this comic.
                                            • After the comic where Richard Stallman fights off Microsoft agents with katanas, some fans bought him a Katana
                                            • xkcd also managed to get this trope backwards with this infamous strip. Before this comic, there were only two hits on Google for "died in a blogging accident", but within hours of the strip going live, there were several tens of thousands. In future strips where Randall has referenced Google search strings, fans have been careful not to replicate them exactly when discussing them.
                                            • Shortly after the strip "Tech Support" was posted, a small ISP in England announced that they would actually transfer you to an employee who knows a minimum of two programming languages if you say the code word "shibboleet". No, really.
                                            • It is not unusual for someone to bring a sign to a protest reading [Citation Needed], or "Things are pretty okay"/"Anyone for Scrabble Later?".
                                            • In one strip, T-Rex proposes the idea of urgent-sounding and overly-specific fortune cookie messages to be mixed in with the regular ones. Cookie Misfortune, a company already specializing in a somewhat similar idea, now sells official T-Rex Brand Fortune Cookies with messages either inspired by or directly taken from that strip.

                                            Jeph has also been releasing music under the name of Deathmøle, the band from the comic, as well as one or two by Dystynt Hollerin, from a one-off reference in Overcompensating, a different comic entirely. As he says:


                                            10 Scientific Reasons Proving Drinking Beer Is Actually Good For You

                                            Mothers, girlfriends and wives &ndash listen up! I know you tell us men all the time that too much beer is bad for your body, and you&rsquore probably right. But what you didn&rsquot know is that beer can actually be good for you in many instances. This puts a big fly in the ointment, doesn&rsquot it?

                                            I know it&rsquos going to take some serious scientific muscle flexing for me to convince you, I&rsquom not stupid. But what if I started by saying that the legendary &lsquobeer belly&rsquo we&rsquore all worried out might not be a real thing&hellip

                                            Interest peaked? Here are 10 scientific reasons which show that beer is actually good for you.

                                            1. It actually makes you live longer
                                            Researchers have found out that regular beer drinkers (not alcoholics mind) are 19% less likely to drop dead during a given time period than those boring types who have never touched a drop of the amber nectar.

                                            2. Sod dieting, beer makes you THIN
                                            Beers with a high alcohol content such as Leffe can actually make you thin according to science. I was skeptical, but according to King&rsquos College London Professor Tim Spector, drinking Belgian beers can actually aid bacteria in your gut, helping efficient digestion. Drop the shakes and the sticks of celery, and get yourself a crate of the good stuff.

                                            3. It even fights the big C
                                            Apparently an enzyme in beer can help in the fight against cancer. Xanthohumol (I&rsquove never heard of it either), which is a flavour component found in hops, is a potent antioxidant which puts a stop to cancer-causing enzymes.

                                            4. Beer can keep your brain sharp apparently
                                            All the evidence I have encountered points to the opposite, but apparently beer can help long term mental issues. Women who had one alcoholic drink a day were better safeguarded against their mental faculties declining with age.

                                            5. The &lsquobeer belly&rsquo is a myth
                                            A study at UCL revealed that there isn&rsquot much concrete science to back up the &lsquobeer belly&rsquo myth. They found that the link between obesity and drinking beer is really tenuous. I&rsquove got another theory though, it&rsquos not the beer, but all those drunken late night kebabs that probably do it.

                                            6. It stops kidney stones, thank the lord!
                                            Moderate beer drinkers are 41% less likely to develop the dreaded kidney stones than those who don&rsquot. People who don&rsquot drink beer&hellip you do realise that those stones have to come out of somewhere eventually? Get on it.

                                            7. Calories? What calories?
                                            I&rsquove always been told that beer is uber-high in calories, but it turns out that this is a total exaggeration. Orange juice and skimmed milk are just two drinks that have a higher calorie count than our good friend beer. It&rsquos a conspiracy I tell you.

                                            8. Hoppier beers can stave off Alzheimer&rsquos
                                            They may lead to you losing your short term memory after a night out, but hoppy beers can help defend against the scourge that is Alzheimer&rsquos disease. Our good friend Xanthohumol is back again, protecting the brain against degenerative disorders. Don&rsquot worry, beer has your back.

                                            9. Beer is CHOCK FULL of vitamins
                                            Forget all this &ldquoapple a day&rdquo bollocks, you can get loads of much needed vitamins down the pub. Not content with just providing us with everyday vitamins, beer actually contains &lsquosuper-nutrients&rsquo. I think we have a winner.

                                            10. Step aside Mr. Cow, because beer makes your bones stronger
                                            Beer is rich in dietary silicon, which is apparently essential in building bone mineral density. Does this mean that schools should start giving out free pints to the kids at lunchtime?

                                            June 25, 2015

                                            Hallmark Moments
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            Bad day at Hallmark
                                            Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day.

                                            Heard your wife left you,
                                            How upset you must be.
                                            But don't fret about it.
                                            She moved in with me.

                                            Looking back over the years
                                            That we've been together,
                                            I can't help but wonder.
                                            'What the hell was I thinking?'

                                            Congratulations on your wedding day!
                                            Too bad no one likes your husband.
                                            How could two people as beautiful as you
                                            Have such an ugly baby?

                                            I've always wanted to have
                                            someone to hold,
                                            someone to love.
                                            After having met you.
                                            I've changed my mind.

                                            I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
                                            I never believed in Hell until I met you.

                                            Congratulations on your promotion.
                                            Before you go.
                                            Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
                                            You'll probably need it again.

                                            Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
                                            (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)

                                            When we were together,
                                            you always said you'd die for me.
                                            Now that we've broken up,
                                            I think it's time you kept your promise.

                                            Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
                                            Did you ever find out who the father was?

                                            So your daughter's a hooker,
                                            And it spoiled your day.
                                            Look at the bright side,
                                            It's really good pay.

                                            June 22, 2015

                                            Abbott And Costello On Math
                                            Submitted By: PIGstress Grammy

                                            June 21, 2015

                                            Senior Moments
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            When You're Over 70
                                            Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
                                            Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
                                            Cowboy: "Nah. She's purty good lookin'. "
                                            When you are over seventy who gives a crap?


                                            I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
                                            I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
                                            When you are over seventy who gives a crap?


                                            I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
                                            "Really" she said, "Go on then. try."
                                            After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
                                            I said, "Yesterday."
                                            When you are over seventy who gives a crap?


                                            I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
                                            When you are over seventy who gives a crap?


                                            I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
                                            The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
                                            I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
                                            When you are over seventy who gives a crap!

                                            June 12, 2015

                                            Beer vs Vaginas
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            2.Warm beer tastes awful.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
                                            I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

                                            6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            9. You normally don't find old beer.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
                                            One point to VAGINA

                                            13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, Pilsner, ale, lager, etc. with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Eskimo.
                                            Call it a DRAW

                                            17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
                                            One point to BEER

                                            18. Beer doesn't have a mother
                                            One point to BEER

                                            19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
                                            One point to BEER

                                            20. Beer with yeast in it still tastes rather nice.
                                            One point to BEER

                                            FINAL SCORE: BEER: 11 VAGINA: 9

                                            That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate, yet tasty winner is: BEER

                                            PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

                                            An extra point for BEER (sorry girls)

                                            June 09, 2015

                                            An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

                                            He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.

                                            &ldquoI bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!&rdquo The old man says.

                                            The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

                                            The IRS agent is pissed. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.

                                            The IRS agent knows there&rsquos no way possible to do this, so he takes the bet.

                                            The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

                                            Down $5000 the IRS agent is fuming!

                                            Then the old man finally wagers, &ldquoI bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.&rdquo

                                            The agent knows he won&rsquot be able to this and knows he&rsquoll win this one for sure!

                                            The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.

                                            The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the old man&rsquos attorney over in the corner freaking out. &ldquoAre you all right dude?&rdquo asks the agent. &ldquoHELL NO!

                                            On the way over here, the old man bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you&rsquod be happy about it!&rdquo

                                            June 06, 2015

                                            Study the picture first and then read the story.

                                            This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

                                            A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

                                            With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

                                            Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

                                            He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

                                            The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

                                            Handy Man?
                                            Stolen From: The Tool Shed

                                            From A Grateful Immigarant
                                            Stolen From: Swine Flew

                                            It looks like we did some good after all! On Saturday, July 24th, 2010 the town of Prescott Valley, AZ, hosted a Freedom Rally. Quang Nguyen was asked to speak on his experience of coming to America and what it means.

                                            He spoke the following in dedication to all Vietnam Veterans. Thought you might enjoy hearing what he had to say:
                                            &ldquo35 years ago, if you were to tell me that I am going to stand up here speaking to a couple thousand patriots, in English, I'd laugh at you. Man, every morning I wake up thanking God for putting me and my family in the greatest country on earth.

                                            I just want you all to know that the American dream does exist and I am living the American dream. I was asked to speak to you about my experience as a first generation Vietnamese-American, but I'd rather speak to you as an American.

                                            If you hadn't noticed, I am not white and I feel pretty comfortable with my people.

                                            I am a proud U.S. citizen and here is my proof. It took me 8 years to get it, waiting in endless lines, but I got it, and I am very proud of it.

                                            I still remember the images of the Tet offensive in 1968, I was six years old.

                                            Now you might want to question how a 6-year-old boy could remember anything. Trust me, those images can never be erased. I can't even imagine what it was like for young American soldiers, 10,000 miles away from home, fighting on my behalf.

                                            35 years ago, I left South Vietnam for political asylum. The war had ended. At the age of 13, I left with the understanding that I may or may not ever get to see my siblings or parents again. I was one of the first lucky 100,000 Vietnamese allowed to come to the U.S. Somehow, my family and I were reunited 5 months later, amazingly, in California. It was a miracle from God.

                                            If you haven't heard lately that this is the greatest country on earth, I am telling you that right now. It was the freedom and the opportunities presented to me that put me here with all of you tonight. I also remember the barriers that I had to overcome every step of the way. My high school counselor told me that I cannot make it to college due to my poor communication skills. I proved him wrong. I finished college. You see, all you have to do is to give this little boy an opportunity and encourage him to take and run with it. Well, I took the opportunity and here I am.

                                            This person standing tonight in front of you could not exist under a socialist/communist environment. By the way, if you think socialism is the way to go, I am sure many people here will chip in to get you a one-way ticket out of here. And if you didn't know, the only difference between socialism and communism is an AK-47 aimed at your head. That was my experience.

                                            In 1982, I stood with a thousand new immigrants, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and listening to the National Anthem for the first time as an American. To this day, I can't remember anything sweeter and more patriotic than that moment in my life.

                                            Fast forwarding, somehow I finished high school, finished college, and like any other goofball 21 year old kid, I was having a great time with my life. I had a nice job and a nice apartment in Southern California. In some way and somehow, I had forgotten how I got here and why I was here.

                                            One day I was at a gas station, I saw a veteran pumping gas on the other side of the island. I don't know what made me do it, but I walked over and asked if he had served in Vietnam . He smiled and said yes. I shook and held his hand. The grown man began to well up. I walked away as fast as I could and at that very moment, I was emotionally rocked. This was a profound moment in my life. I knew something had to change in my life. It was time for me to learn how to be a good citizen. It was time for me to give back.

                                            You see, America is not just a place on the map, it isn't just a physical location. It is an ideal, a concept. And if you are an American, you must understand the concept, you must accept this concept, and most importantly, you have to fight and defend this concept. This is about Freedom and not free stuff. And that is why I am standing up here.

                                            Brothers and sisters, to be a real American, the very least you must do is to learn English and understand it well. In my humble opinion, you cannot be a faithful patriotic citizen if you can't speak the language of the country you live in. Take this document of 46 pages - last I looked on the Internet, there wasn't a Vietnamese translation of the U.S. Constitution. It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to converse and until this day, I still struggle to come up with the right words. It's not easy, but if it's too easy, it's not worth doing.

                                            Before I knew this 46-page document, I learned of the 500,000 Americans who fought for this little boy. I learned of the 58,000 names scribed on the black wall at the Vietnam Memorial. You are my heroes. You are my founders.

                                            At this time, I would like to ask all the Vietnam veterans to please stand. I thank you for my life. I thank you for your sacrifices, and I thank you for giving me the freedom and liberty I have today. I now ask all veterans, firefighters, and police officers, to please stand. On behalf of all first generation immigrants, I thank you for your services and may God bless you all.

                                            Quang Nguyen
                                            Creative Director/Founder
                                            Caddis Advertising, LLC

                                            "God Bless America "
                                            "One Flag, One Language, One Nation Under God"

                                            For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
                                            For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

                                            Royal Navy New Ships and Guidelines
                                            Stolen From: Just Faaaaabulous!

                                            Nearer the truth than you may think!)

                                            The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

                                            Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

                                            The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

                                            Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

                                            The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

                                            The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

                                            Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

                                            Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

                                            The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

                                            Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

                                            All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.

                                            Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

                                            The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

                                            Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.

                                            The lash will still be available on request.

                                            Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

                                            All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

                                            Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

                                            The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

                                            The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

                                            She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

                                            Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

                                            The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels "

                                            His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

                                            Smarty Pants?
                                            Stolen From: Cyberspace

                                            A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer&hellip

                                            We have all run into people who think they&rsquove got it all figured out. Some even brag to others about how smart they are and how dumb everyone else is.

                                            And it&rsquos always fun to see them get played. Like this &hellip

                                            A young boy enters a barbershop&hellip the barber whispers to his customer,

                                            &ldquoThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.&rdquo

                                            The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, &ldquoWhich do you want?&rdquo

                                            The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

                                            &ldquoWhat did I tell you?&rdquo says the barber. &ldquoThat kid never learns!&rdquo

                                            Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

                                            &ldquoHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why&rsquod you take the quarters and not the dollar?&rdquo he asks.

                                            The boy licked his cone and replied, &ldquoBecause the day I take the dollar, the game&rsquos over!&rdquo (H/T The Federalist Papers Project)

                                            This joke is funny because the boy is the real genius who understands human nature and is motivated by what motivates a lot of little kids &mdash free ice cream.

                                            He was definitely smarter than he looked and it wouldn&rsquot be surprising to see the government come after entrepreneurial kids like this and offer them jobs because they are pretty good at taking other people&rsquos money &mdash a little bit at a time.

                                            Dear Abby.
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            My husband is a liar and a cheat.

                                            He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

                                            What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

                                            Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

                                            All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

                                            Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

                                            Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

                                            You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

                                            The Benefactor
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            That cabby is one smart dude.

                                            A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

                                            Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

                                            The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

                                            The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

                                            HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

                                            HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

                                            HE paid for your football season tickets.

                                            HE paid for our house at the lake.

                                            HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.

                                            HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

                                            Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

                                            The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

                                            Meanwhile, While The City Burned.
                                            Submitted By: Miss Piggy

                                            Church Ladies With Type Writers
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

                                            The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

                                            Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

                                            The sermon this morning: &lsquoJesus Walks on the Water.&rsquo The sermon tonight: &lsquoSearching for Jesus.'

                                            Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

                                            Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

                                            Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


                                            For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

                                            Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

                                            Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

                                            A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

                                            At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

                                            Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

                                            Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

                                            The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

                                            Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

                                            The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

                                            This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

                                            The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

                                            Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

                                            The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

                                            Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

                                            And this one just about sums them all up.

                                            The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
                                            'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

                                            Tyrone
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,Tyrone."

                                            One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
                                            The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

                                            The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

                                            25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

                                            All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

                                            Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

                                            When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

                                            She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
                                            The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

                                            Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

                                            Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

                                            Well maybe you did if you voted for Obama.

                                            The Unhappy Golfer
                                            Submitted By: Swine Flew

                                            A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

                                            He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

                                            He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

                                            He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

                                            He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

                                            He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

                                            The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

                                            He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

                                            He said, "I'm NOT happy. My butt itches."

                                            Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

                                            APRIL 08, 2015

                                            Guns For Geeks
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            Here's a high-tech way to "Say hello to my little friend."

                                            A "Don't You Just hate When This Happens" Moment
                                            Submitted By: Mr. Tamborine Man

                                            The Irish Painter And The Gallery
                                            Submitted By: Blarney Stoned

                                            A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

                                            The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. &ldquoIn fact&rdquo, he pointed out, &ldquosome serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society&rdquo.

                                            After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, &ldquoWould you like to know what the painting is really about?&rdquo

                                            &ldquoNow why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?&rdquo asked the couple.

                                            &ldquoBecause I&rsquom the guy who painted it,&rdquo he replied. &ldquoIn fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They&rsquore just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.&rdquo

                                            The Rumor
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

                                            The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

                                            Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

                                            The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

                                            An Oldie But Goodie
                                            Submitted By: Swine Flew

                                            1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.

                                            2. I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every damn minute of it.

                                            3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them..

                                            4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

                                            5. Don't take life too seriously No one gets out alive.

                                            6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

                                            7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

                                            8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

                                            9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

                                            10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

                                            11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.

                                            12. God must love stupid people He made so many.

                                            13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

                                            14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

                                            15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

                                            16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

                                            17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up..

                                            19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts Do You Want Fries With That?

                                            20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

                                            21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

                                            22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

                                            23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

                                            24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

                                            25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

                                            26. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

                                            27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

                                            28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

                                            29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

                                            The Italian Wedding Test
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

                                            There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

                                            My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

                                            One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

                                            She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

                                            Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

                                            I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

                                            Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
                                            With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

                                            And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

                                            Redneck Wedding Night
                                            Stolen From: Cyberspace

                                            So a couple from Kintucky gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you are here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?"

                                            To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is virgin"

                                            The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?"

                                            The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!"

                                            Your Call
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

                                            According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

                                            She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

                                            I don't know which is worse:

                                            1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

                                            2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

                                            3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

                                            How I Lost My Teeth
                                            Stolen From: Cyberspace

                                            I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer in spandex came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

                                            She said, &ldquoHey sexy, how about giving me your number.&rdquo

                                            I looked at her and said, &rdquoHave you got a pen?&rdquo

                                            I said, &ldquo Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you&rsquore missing.&rdquo

                                            My dental surgery is on Monday.

                                            A Correct Anthropological Theory
                                            Submitted By: Porcus Welby, MD

                                            Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

                                            The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

                                            Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

                                            The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

                                            These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

                                            Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

                                            Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

                                            Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

                                            Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

                                            Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

                                            Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated-hitter rule because they thought it wasn't fair to make the pitcher bat.

                                            Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

                                            Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

                                            Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

                                            A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals.

                                            Divine Inspiration
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

                                            His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.

                                            The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

                                            After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

                                            The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair . and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

                                            You are going to love the Dad's reply: To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

                                            Word Play
                                            Submitted By: Swine Flew

                                            Did I read that sign right?
                                            &ldquoTOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.&rdquo

                                            In a Laundromat:
                                            AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
                                            ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

                                            In a London department store:
                                            BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

                                            In an office:
                                            WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

                                            In an office:
                                            AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
                                            AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

                                            Outside a secondhand shop:
                                            WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
                                            WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

                                            Notice in health food shop window:
                                            CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

                                            Spotted in a safari park:
                                            (I sure hope so.)
                                            ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

                                            Seen during a conference:
                                            FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
                                            KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

                                            Notice in a farmer's field:
                                            THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
                                            FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

                                            Message on a leaflet:
                                            IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
                                            YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

                                            On a repair shop door:
                                            WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
                                            THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

                                            Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

                                            Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
                                            This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible. They put in a correction the next day.

                                            Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
                                            Really? Ya' think?

                                            Police Begin Campaign to
                                            Run Down Jaywalkers
                                            Now that's taking things a bit far!

                                            Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over
                                            What a guy!

                                            Miners Refuse to Work after Death
                                            No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

                                            Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
                                            See if that works better than a fair trial!

                                            War Dims Hope for Peace
                                            I can see where it might have that effect!

                                            If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
                                            It May Last Awhile
                                            Ya' think?!

                                            Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
                                            Who would have thought!

                                            Enfield (London) Couple Slain
                                            Police Suspect Homicide
                                            They may be on to something!

                                            Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
                                            You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

                                            Man Struck By Lightning:
                                            Faces Battery Charge
                                            He probably IS the battery charge!

                                            New Study of Obesity Looks for
                                            Larger Test Group
                                            Weren't they fat enough?!

                                            Astronaut Takes Blame for
                                            Gas in Spacecraft
                                            That's what he gets for eating those beans!

                                            Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
                                            Do they taste like chicken?

                                            Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
                                            Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

                                            Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
                                            Boy, are they tall!

                                            Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead
                                            Did I read that right?

                                            A Cowboy Tombstone
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

                                            FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

                                            1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

                                            2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

                                            3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

                                            4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

                                            5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

                                            Five Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            No. 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

                                            No. 4: This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

                                            No. 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

                                            No. 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

                                            No. 1: (And MY all time Favorite): Best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '. in Jesus' name, Amen .

                                            *Publisher's Note: If you really want to get your bosses attention, make sure PIG's Homepage is displayed and at that point you'll either get fired on the spot or be in line for that juicy promotion.

                                            Smart Asses
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

                                            One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

                                            Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

                                            One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

                                            Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

                                            Seniors -- don't mess with them, they didn't get old by being stupid!

                                            The Ultimate Blonde Joke
                                            Posted By: PFO

                                            A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

                                            The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

                                            "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

                                            The driver finally found a aquare mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

                                            The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop. "

                                            The Hillbilly Vasectomy
                                            Posted By: Jasper

                                            After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

                                            The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

                                            'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

                                            The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me'.

                                            So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

                                            At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

                                            Two Friends In Heaven
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

                                            SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

                                            WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

                                            WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

                                            SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

                                            Bent Over
                                            Lifted From: Cyberspace

                                            Irish Fun
                                            Posted By: Paddy O'Publisher

                                            &bull Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will clobber any man who does.

                                            &bull Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

                                            &bull The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

                                            &bull An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

                                            &bull Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
                                            Answer - So the English can understand them.

                                            &bull Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
                                            "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

                                            &bull Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
                                            Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

                                            &bull Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
                                            "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

                                            &bull Question &ndash What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
                                            Answer &ndash A bachelor.

                                            &bull Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

                                            Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

                                            Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

                                            &bull Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

                                            "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

                                            "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

                                            &bull "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "Did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

                                            "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

                                            &bull My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine having to give up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

                                            Why Carry A Gun?
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            My old Grandpa said to me, 'Son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.'

                                            I don't carry a gun to kill people I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

                                            I don't carry a gun to scare people I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I'm evil I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I hate the government I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I'm angry I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy I carry a gun because, when I die and go to Heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

                                            I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

                                            I don't carry a gun because I love it I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

                                            Police protection is an oxymoron: Free citizens must protect themselves because police do not protect you from crime they just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

                                            Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'!

                                            Self-Examination For Alzheimer's Disease
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            It takes less than 15 seconds..

                                            If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
                                            1. _ _NDOM

                                            6. BOO_S

                                            Answers:

                                            1. RANDOM
                                            2. FORK
                                            3. PANTS
                                            4. PULSE
                                            5. SIX
                                            6. BOOKS

                                            You got all 6 wrong. didn't you?

                                            Congratulations. You do NOT have Alzheimer's

                                            Good News/Bad News
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A lawyer says to a wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and I have some bad news."

                                            The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first."

                                            The lawyer says, "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 million."

                                            The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done! Very good news indeed! You've just made my whole day &ndash what could possibly be the bad news?"

                                            Lawyer: "The pictures are of you banging your secretary."

                                            Types Of Sex
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            PENSION SEX
                                            Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
                                            'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
                                            'Pension sex?'
                                            'Yeah, you know I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

                                            LOUD SEX
                                            A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

                                            My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'

                                            'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

                                            QUIET SEX
                                            Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

                                            CONFOUNDED SEX
                                            A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500 for 'medium', and $14,000 for 'large.'

                                            The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

                                            'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

                                            WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
                                            A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife &ndash Cold As Ever'.'

                                            Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

                                            'Here Lies My Husband &ndash Stiff At Last.' '

                                            WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
                                            My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

                                            ELDERLY SEX
                                            One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

                                            Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. he could also fly.'

                                            The Hollywood Squares Revisited
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

                                            Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
                                            (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

                                            Q. Do female frogs croak?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

                                            Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
                                            A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

                                            Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
                                            A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

                                            Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
                                            A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

                                            Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
                                            A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

                                            Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
                                            A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

                                            Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
                                            A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

                                            Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
                                            A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

                                            Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

                                            Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
                                            A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

                                            Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
                                            A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

                                            Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
                                            A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

                                            Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
                                            A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

                                            Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

                                            Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

                                            Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
                                            A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

                                            Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
                                            A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

                                            Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

                                            Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
                                            A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

                                            Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
                                            A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

                                            The Ski Trip
                                            Posted By: K-2

                                            Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

                                            In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

                                            The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

                                            Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

                                            Random Thoughts
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

                                            Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

                                            I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

                                            I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

                                            Old age is coming at a really bad time!

                                            When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

                                            My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

                                            Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

                                            The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

                                            I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

                                            When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

                                            I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

                                            Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it can muffle the sound!

                                            Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

                                            Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

                                            Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

                                            At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

                                            The Old Blind Cowboy
                                            Stolen From: WTF Magazine

                                            An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar bar by mistake. He fings his way to a bar stooland orders a Jack Daniels.

                                            After sitting there a while, he yells to the bartender, &lsquoHey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?&rsquo

                                            The bartender immediately falls silent.

                                            In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, &lsquoBefore you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you shouls know 5 things:

                                            1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

                                            2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy-club.

                                            3. I&rsquom a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

                                            4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

                                            5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

                                            &lsquoNow, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?&rsquo

                                            The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutter, .No&hellipnot if I&rsquom gonna have to explain it five times&hellip&rsquo

                                            Jewish Comedians
                                            Posted By: Some Gentile

                                            Those fabulous Jewish Comedians &ndash You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

                                            And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

                                            * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

                                            * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

                                            * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

                                            * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

                                            * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

                                            * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

                                            * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

                                            " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!

                                            * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

                                            * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

                                            * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

                                            * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

                                            Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
                                            A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

                                            Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
                                            A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

                                            A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

                                            A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

                                            Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
                                            A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

                                            Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
                                            They tried to kill us.
                                            We won.
                                            Let's eat.

                                            Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

                                            Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
                                            A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

                                            Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
                                            A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

                                            The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

                                            There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

                                            Branded
                                            Posted By: Your Friendly, Neighborhood Handyman

                                            A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, &ldquoHoney, could you fix the light in the hallway? It&rsquos been flickering for weeks now.&rdquo He looks at her and says angrily, &ldquoFix the light? Now? Does it look like a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don&rsquot think so.&rdquo

                                            &ldquoWell then, could you fix the fridge door? It won&rsquot close right.&rdquo To which he replied, &ldquoFix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don&rsquot think so.&rdquo

                                            &ldquoFine,&rdquo she says, &ldquoThen could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They&rsquore about to break.&rdquo

                                            &ldquoI&rsquom not a damn carpenter and I don&rsquot want to fix the steps,&rdquo he says. &ldquoDoes it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don&rsquot think so. I&rsquove had enough of you. I&rsquom going to the bar.&rdquo

                                            So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

                                            As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he noticed the fridge door is fixed. &ldquoHoney, how&rsquod this all get fixed?&rdquo

                                            She said, &ldquoWell, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake a him a cake.&rdquo

                                            He said, &ldquoSo what kind of cake did you bake him?&rdquo

                                            She replied, &ldquoHelloooo&hellip Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?&rdquo

                                            Wi-Fi'ed
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A man received the following text from his neighborI am so sorry EdI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confessI have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."

                                            On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
                                            A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi."

                                            The Irish Painter And The Gallery
                                            Stolen From: Cyberspace

                                            A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

                                            The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. &ldquoIn fact&rdquo, he pointed out, &ldquosome serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society&rdquo.

                                            After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, &ldquoWould you like to know what the painting is really about?&rdquo

                                            &ldquoNow why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?&rdquo, asked the couple.

                                            &ldquoBecause I&rsquom the guy who painted it,&rdquo he replied. &ldquoIn fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They&rsquore just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.&rdquo

                                            A Twofer Tuesday
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            PIGish Humor

                                            A student who obtained 0% for his responses, as listed below, on a class exam responded to those questions with what I believe was considerable foresight. It is apparent the exam preparer did not, in my opinion, phrase the questions appropriately as to direct the student to respond with the answer he/she had in mind as the only acceptable one.

                                            Q. In which battle did Napoleon die?
                                            A. His last battle

                                            Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
                                            A. At the bottom of the page

                                            Q. River Ravi flows in which state?
                                            A. Liquid

                                            Q. What is the main reason for divorce?
                                            A. Marriage

                                            Q. What is the main reason for failure?
                                            A. Exams

                                            Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
                                            A. Lunch & dinner

                                            Q. What looks like half an apple?
                                            A. The other half

                                            Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
                                            A. It will simply become wet

                                            Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
                                            A. No problem, he sleeps at night

                                            Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
                                            A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

                                            Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
                                            A. Very large hands

                                            Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
                                            A. No time at all, the wall is already built

                                            Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
                                            A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

                                            PIGish Humor II

                                            1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

                                            2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

                                            3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it &ndash mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

                                            4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

                                            5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

                                            6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it . couldn't cut the mustard.

                                            7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

                                            8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

                                            9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

                                            10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

                                            11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

                                            12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

                                            13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

                                            14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

                                            15. So, I tried retirement and I found I'm perfect for the job!

                                            The Stranger
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family the stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

                                            As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

                                            But the stranger. he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

                                            If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

                                            Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

                                            My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

                                            I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked. And NEVER asked to leave.

                                            More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

                                            He has a wife now. We call her 'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone". Second child "IPod. And just born was a grandchild: IPad.

                                            Grandmothers and Grandfathers
                                            Submitted By: Lone Star

                                            Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

                                            Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

                                            One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

                                            "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

                                            "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

                                            Lazy Gun
                                            Submitted By: PFO

                                            Texting Tip
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            From a teacher -- short and to the point

                                            In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.

                                            For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

                                            "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

                                            Is everybody clear on that?

                                            Bonus graphic dedicated to PIGster K-Cro:

                                            Wisdom
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

                                            2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

                                            3. I live in my own little world but it's OK everyone knows me here.

                                            4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

                                            5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by drinking and standing up really fast.

                                            6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

                                            7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

                                            7.1. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything.

                                            8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

                                            9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

                                            10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

                                            11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

                                            12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

                                            13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

                                            14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

                                            15. I am a nobody nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

                                            16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

                                            17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

                                            18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

                                            19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

                                            20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

                                            21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

                                            22. Marriage changes passion . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

                                            23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

                                            24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

                                            25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

                                            26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

                                            27. How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president and over 50 for Miss America?

                                            28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunking."

                                            29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

                                            30. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?

                                            31. Don't argue with an idiot people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

                                            31.2 Don't argue with idiots they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

                                            A Wise Person Once Said.
                                            Submitted By: Swine Flew

                                            1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

                                            2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.

                                            3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

                                            4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

                                            5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit&hellip A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

                                            A Doctor Was Addressing A Large Audience At Oxford
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

                                            Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

                                            Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

                                            Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

                                            High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

                                            But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

                                            After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

                                            New Parishioners
                                            Stolen From: Page One PIG

                                            A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

                                            The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

                                            "You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?" the pastor inquired.

                                            "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

                                            The pastor asked him, "What happened?"

                                            "Well, the first week was difficult however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts, but one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there!" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

                                            "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

                                            "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowes, either."

                                            Christmas With Louise
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            Here Goes: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

                                            Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

                                            On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

                                            The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

                                            But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

                                            My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
                                            The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

                                            It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

                                            I can't wait until next Christmas.

                                            Three Stories About Bears
                                            Submitted By: PIGster GM

                                            A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

                                            One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, and that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

                                            One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

                                            Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

                                            Father Murphy went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
                                            Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

                                            So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

                                            Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was also very excited.
                                            In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

                                            And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

                                            So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

                                            The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

                                            The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

                                            Sexual Harrasment
                                            Submitted By: T-Cro

                                            Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

                                            After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

                                            The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



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